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Revenge of a Goddess

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 7:23 pm    Post subject: Revenge of a Goddess Reply with quote

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Revenge of a Goddess
Posted by Cailus (suliac.griffin@hotmail.co.uk)
11 January 2013, 1:28 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cailus0111131328121.html
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As far as first submissions go (because, as a rule, they're terrible) this really surprised me. You've got a solid start of a good story here, and it's always great to see a new writer posting to HBOFF. Welcome Smile

Your grammar is nominally perfect, save for a couple of slip-ups I've spotted (it might be worth getting someone else to read your story beforehand so you catch these before it gets posted.) Your choice of language is a bit odd, however, and does jar occasionally.

It's not enough to get a handle on how well defined your characters are, but the dialogue is very sharp and I'm very fond of Monty. (Then again, I am a sucker for all AIs with a wicked sense of humour!) The scenario is believable, although I'm not sure on the finer canon details (so I hope someone else will step in and check this for me.)

This reads like a set-up for a longer story, but it stands up very well on its own. It's not perfect, but it's a good start, and I look forward to reading more of your work soon. Keep writing!
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"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
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Cailus
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Joined: 18 Jan 2013
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for the criticism, I do appreciate it. You're right, as this is the start of a small series...although you'll be hard pushed to see it as a masterpiece, or any of my characters as "well-defined". That may come in a different series, but this is purely fun. Writer's chocolate, if you will. ^_^

Second chapter will (depending on our lords and masters) come up tomorrow.
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