HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Welcome To Coagulation
Posted by MjolnirMarkVMC (SKYBLUEHALO7@aol.com)
21 December 2004, 7:00 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mjolnirmarkv.1221041900361.html

Nick Kang · Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 3:08 pm Post subject:

Ahh! Glad to see ya back, Mjolnir!

And this was much better than your last. You seemed to have improved quite a bit. My only suggestion would be to read it over a bit more, make sure it flows better before you submit. Keep it up. Very Happy

_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.

Phædrus · Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 6:48 pm Post subject:

Yeah, you had some problems with flow, but this wasn't bad. I normally don't like poems about multiplayer, but I'll make an exception. You get an 8/10.

HoZ · Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 6:58 pm Post subject:

very nice (glad to see your back)

sam_fisha · Member Joined: 21 Dec 2004 Posts: 300 Location: A gutter

Loved it, no suggestions.

(Na)Marl · Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 9:54 pm Post subject:

--Nice, man. That was pretty good.

MjolnirMarkVMC · Member Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 20

Hey glad to be bakc actually thanks for the really good coments i appreciate it and i know i some problems running the rhyming scheme but i had to fudge some too lol Laughing

oh p.s. part two is about a week away still working on it

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Very glad to see you made it back MMVMC. But, you know, *MCC nudges Mark on his shoulder*, you should write another story. If you ahve improved like this here, well, I would like to see what you can write, write.

Yeah, it was pretty good. The ryhming scheme was a little odd. It changed from here to there. And it sounded like rap. I hate rap.

Overall, nice. I'll be keeping my eye on you.
_________________
-MCC

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 10:31 pm Post subject:

Yeah Mark. You have impressed me quite a bit. I applaude you.
BUT IT SUCKED!

No, it didn't. Couldn't help myself Smile

Actually, it did sound like rap, and it flowed pretty good when you rap it, so, in the Words of Sergeant Johnson:

OpeningAct · Posted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 8:51 am Post subject:

Very cool. I enjoyed this although it did have a little trouble with flow where the poem stuttered a bit. Otherwise it was good. Keep it up!

SYSTEM · Posted: Sun Dec 26, 2004 9:32 pm Post subject:

Excellent! Excellent! (Applause, whistle.)

A few missed punctuation marks, and a few unnessesary ones, but since this is poetry, not all the rules apply.

I like how you rhyme every sentence, not just every line. That's quite a feat.

Pretty Good there. Glad to have you back.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.