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Welcome To Coagulation

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 1:52 pm    Post subject: Welcome To Coagulation Reply with quote

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Welcome To Coagulation
Posted by MjolnirMarkVMC (SKYBLUEHALO7@aol.com)
21 December 2004, 7:00 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mjolnirmarkv.1221041900361.html
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 3:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh! Glad to see ya back, Mjolnir!

And this was much better than your last. You seemed to have improved quite a bit. My only suggestion would be to read it over a bit more, make sure it flows better before you submit. Keep it up. Very Happy
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, you had some problems with flow, but this wasn't bad. I normally don't like poems about multiplayer, but I'll make an exception. You get an 8/10.
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HoZ
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 440
Location: Tyrone, PA (HA I'M POOR)

PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 6:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

very nice (glad to see your back)
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sam_fisha
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Joined: 21 Dec 2004
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Location: A gutter

PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Loved it, no suggestions.
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(Na)Marl
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Joined: 03 Nov 2004
Posts: 689
Location: --Looking for you! I have a knife!

PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 9:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Nice, man. That was pretty good.
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MjolnirMarkVMC
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Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 20

PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 3:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey glad to be bakc actually thanks for the really good coments i appreciate it and i know i some problems running the rhyming scheme but i had to fudge some too lol Laughing oh p.s. part two is about a week away still working on it
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very glad to see you made it back MMVMC. But, you know, *MCC nudges Mark on his shoulder*, you should write another story. If you ahve improved like this here, well, I would like to see what you can write, write.

Yeah, it was pretty good. The ryhming scheme was a little odd. It changed from here to there. And it sounded like rap. I hate rap.

Overall, nice. I'll be keeping my eye on you.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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Joined: 19 Oct 2004
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Location: Always here to help

PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 10:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah Mark. You have impressed me quite a bit. I applaude you.
BUT IT SUCKED!

No, it didn't. Couldn't help myself Smile


Actually, it did sound like rap, and it flowed pretty good when you rap it, so, in the Words of Sergeant Johnson:

Quote:
You did good, kid. Now go get a god damn cookie!

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Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures
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OpeningAct
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 58
Location: In my super-fantastic time machine

PostPosted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 8:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very cool. I enjoyed this although it did have a little trouble with flow where the poem stuttered a bit. Otherwise it was good. Keep it up!
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2004 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent! Excellent! (Applause, whistle.)

A few missed punctuation marks, and a few unnessesary ones, but since this is poetry, not all the rules apply.

I like how you rhyme every sentence, not just every line. That's quite a feat.

Pretty Good there. Glad to have you back.

- Dave.
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