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Unknown Hero Ch 1 First Contact

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 1:52 pm    Post subject: Unknown Hero Ch 1 First Contact Reply with quote

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Unknown Hero Ch 1 First Contact
Posted by Cpt Crapper (aznintegra023@yahoo.com)
20 December 2004, 6:49 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=cpt_crapper.1220041849272.html
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sam_fisha
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good, but keep in ming to capitalize race names, Grunts and Jackals included.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 2:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was descent. A lot of room for improvement, but you show some preliminary skills that will prove valuable in the future.

1. CODE. You know it, or at least some of it, so use it all. Indent every paragraph (you did it on the very first one), and every dialogue sequence. Otherwise, the formatting was acceptable and it wasn't confusing.

2. Watch the capitals in your text. I would suggest when refering to prior operations (or current ones) that you use italics instead of just capitalizing it all. Reserve that for designations or acrynoms so you do not confuse the reader (instances, like seen in the Halo books, such as SPARTAN-II Program are acceptable, so I see your rationale, but keep this in mind).

3. When refering to communcations, either use COM (with only one 'M') or comm. (exactly as shown). As far as I am aware, those two are the standard abbreviations for communications, not COMM.

4. Avoid referring to your characters (in this case, 'Snake') by using their name constantly. By repaeating that over and over in a pargraph when refering to the character is very repetative. Unless it's in a dialogue, or unless you are referring to multiple characters, don't use his name more then once per paragraph.

5. Spell out all numbers. Accept it as a rule of thumb.

6. In the Forteenth paragraph, you described a loud cracking noise by saying CRACK! In my experience, don't do that; instead use italics, like Crack!. It looks much more prefessional.

7. Be sure to proof-read and catch any G&P mistakes. Also, catch errors such as not capitalizing proper nouns (i.e. Marine, not marine).

8. In your sequence of describing the Green Lantern Operation, don't simply use italics for that. Instead, your two options are either (if you use single spacing between paragraphs) double space and write it like normal, double spacing again after you are done to change back to the present. Or (in your current case) use a horizontal rule and write it in there, using a second to end and switch back to the present. Be sure to signify, either thorugh your writing or a header, that you have switched times and locations.

9. Character info. Unless you had a prologue which I did not read, I don't know anything about 'Snake'. Let us know who he is, what he is, what he's doing, and what his background is. I can pick up through your writing that he's no simple soldier, but anything else would be an assumption on my part. Try and make sure the reader doesn't have to make assumptions on characters, because some will be confused or disappointed when you describe them later on, and it wasn't what they thought.

Overall, needs work, but I think you can pull this off into a nice series. Take the advice above well and improve off of it. Ask for help whenever you need it and take your time writing it and proof reading it. This is something I will follow.

-Russ
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 2:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I see you know the Code, judging by the italics, so you should also use indents to make the story easier on the eyes. And it kinda switched perspectives without warning, so horizontal rules are good for that. And ODSTs and regular Marines don't operate together. ODSTs are their own separate group, so there are never both ODSTs and Marines in the same unit.

Other than that stuff, it was good, and I'm looking forward to the next one.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Russ! You are sounding more like me. Long comments, good advice, an ending paragraph that starts with "overall." Ah...

Having said that, a lot of what I might post here may be a little repedetive. But, it is good for you [the author] to hear it from different people.

Yeah, watch what you put in all caps. Usually, only abbreviations are in caps. So "Echo-630" would not be all capped out like you had it. Stuff like "COM" (use it with three letters, as Russ said, and not four) and "ONI" is fine.
Watch that repedetiveness, as well. Avoid using the same term for something more than once in each paragraph. And even then, from one paragraph to the next, avoid repetition. Differing terms make it flow a lot better.
Make sure that ow you phrase things sounds professional. Don't use phrases such as "...and such." in your writing. Characters can say that, but don't use it in your actual narrative. It looks out of place; like you [the author] doesn't know [yourself] what is really going on in full.
Spice up that dialogue, too. The way it read to me, it sounded (and looked like) I was reading it off of a script. It just sounded base simple, and without a whole lot of character in there.
Also purtaining to the above issue, is that you need more detail. Just don't have the dialogue and then nothing; describe a little about what the people are doing/thinking while saying it. It just gives us a better view of the whole situation; as well as letting us in on the characters more.
Which brings me to something that Russ also brought up. Some character history is essential when you are using a main character to tell us the story from. If he is your big guy, you have to let us in on his past, his habits, his actions, and his thoughts so that we start to understand and relate to him. Having it all a mystery makes him non-human to us; and so we feel distant about him, and so don't really care much about him.

No offense to the actual story, but I saw a whole lot of little mistakes all over the place. Grammar, spelling, they were all issues.
This means that you didn't go over it to make sure that it made sense. Next time, proofread it several times. Go over it, correct it, go over it, correct and add to it, go over it, and correct it; and also, hand it off to a friend to read through once (twice if he/she really likes you) and then take their advice and correct it again. You have to fo this to work out the small mistakes; not to mention that this process lets that story gradually develop futher in your mind [and that is a good thing].


Overall, this was a pretty good story. It needs improvement, but you are coming along nicely. Just take up the advice that you are given, and do your best to impliment it with your own writing. Keep practicing.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't want to crowd your style MCC, but I will take that as a compliment.

-Russ
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 2:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This story is reminiscant of MGS (Metal Gear Solid). You might as well have just called the com a CODEC and gotten over it. Other than that do what everyone else said.
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