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New Harmony

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 4:12 pm    Post subject: New Harmony Reply with quote

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New Harmony
Posted by Firerwolf (triss2008@yahoo.com)
28 September 2011, 2:04 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Firerwolf0928110204521.html
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2011 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice work here. I like the idea behind the story, and I've toyed with doing something similar myself in the past. There were some issues with perspective, I though, however. A lot of Shar's introspection was far beyond a six-year-old child's understanding, even one intelligent enough to end up a Spartan. The changes in perspective were also jarring and not very obvious. A line break would do a lot to make it more evident.

Still, enjoyable story, and sorry for taking so long to comment.
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firerwolf
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I don't know any six-year-old children and I don't particularly like children, so I didn't have much perspective of a six year old's views. Changes in perspective? Do you mean the few seconds when it follows Blue team rather than Shar?
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kr1
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 3:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, there were a few times it wasn't clear exactly who the perspective was. As far as writing from a child's perspective, I'd just recommend a simplified use of language. Just think of what words a child might use, maybe even remembering your own childhood.
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firerwolf
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 2:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well it was Shar's POV throughout all of it except for the ending. I'm not very good at simplifying my language when I write. I don't think it looks as good or reads as well. Shar barely actually speaks and all the stuff that 's not speech is more of a more descriptive way of how she's feeling. I feel stupid when I write it less than how I wrote it this piece, like simplifying my writing is more of regression than progress toward my skill.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It can just as much add to your skill in writing, especially in developing a unique voice for your POV character. I'd say writing from a child's perspective, but a very intelligent child, would be a challenge, personally.
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