Joined: 09 Jun 2011
Location: Hong Kong, China
|Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 6:51 pm Post subject: Fan Fiction Review 27th June - 4th July
|Review 27 June - 4 July
There's only two entries this week, but I'll post the review anyway. At the end of July, I'll will do a pick of month, basically just sort the rankings in descending order, than explain why he or she is the winner.
The review will be short, but on each story I've gave them more detailed reviews. Whatever, let's get started.
ODSS - Chapter 1
Orbital Drop Shock Spartan, I presume.
Just like Halo : Slayer by Matt Mills, a mess for a veteran, a decent one for a debut. Average grammar and plot, unclear backstory, under average character background, some capital problems, a little bit non-canonical, but otherwise fine.
Fine, means average. Not good enough to beat veterans on the rankings, but not bad enough to be worse than other rookies on HBOFF.
The grammar is good enough to survive failing, but capitals are a major problem in this long list. Almost every Covenant species name is not capitalized. Paragraphs are too long, and I suggest to spilt them up on certain breakpoints once you spot the breaks.
Onto the plot. The date is very unclear, it stated only year 2552, but not in which month. You must consider that 2552 is the most important year in the Great War along with 2525. Reach fell, Halos discovered, Earth attacked, and the War finished. When is very important because, it will affect the morale, the backstory, and much more.
Also, the scene is vital too. I don't see even the slightest hint on where did the story happened on. This will also affect the plot's reality if not handled correctly.
The backstory of the characters are unclear. Why would a Spartan with a funny name go on a mission to blow up a city with a group of ODSTs? Who is commanding the Spartan? What is the team's origins? There better be a prelude, or all of this will be unknown to the readers.
The author better do more canon researches. Sergeant Major is a marine rank, and Spartans are Navy, with no exceptions. Unless you explain, or it will be untrue canonically. ODSTs hate Spartans, why would a group of them following a Spartans' order without questions? That never happened.
Spartans always keep some sort with distance with their allies, except their fellow comrades, Spartans. They usually will not call marines or swabbies with first names. This is more impossible with ODSTs.
To conclude, room for improvement, on both plot and grammar. The plot better by explained, or you will be firing from the hip, hit no damn targets, and that makes you look like an ass. But remember, practices will make good work.
Halo : Slayer - Chapter 1
by Danny Isaac (a.k.a, Danny_Issac2)
This definitely is not as good as the single story without the same name, on which this author commented why the title is the same. If I'm this author, I'll happily go to a writing course in a primary school. I know this is harsh, but I can't hold myself. You want respect? You gotta learn how to earn it.
Block of words, a line of speech, block of words, a line of speech, blah blah blah, bad grammar, blah blah blah, not capitalized, wrong spelling, blah blah blah, the end.
Wrong Spelling Count : 45 - 60
|He shouldered the rifle then satified, |
There is clearly no spell checker on this author's tool. How can you write a good Fic without the correct tools? If you don't have them, you better do harder.
Bad plot. It's always not a good idea to put yourself into the story, this often leads to unrealistic characters. Also, there's still no meaning inside.
Refer to the review of the prologue. It's the same thing in both chapters. Even worse.
Improvement required. This is just like my first Fic.
Still room for a comeback, though. Chapter 1 and prologue are bad? No problem. Fix everything, re - edit, find someone to offer comments, then it's done.
ODSS CHP. 1 --- 72 / 100
HALO : SLAYER CHP. 1 --- 57 / 100
Due to the low number of entries, no awards will be given. Boost the number of Fics for awards.
See you soon!
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Current Series: Halo: Brother In Arms