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This Is Our Land-Chapter 2

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 10, 2011 4:41 pm    Post subject: This Is Our Land-Chapter 2 Reply with quote

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This Is Our Land-Chapter 2
Posted by Carson Woo (chinamancarson@yahoo.com.hk)
9 June 2011, 8:27 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Carson_Woo0609110827231.html
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Carson Woo
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Location: Hong Kong, China

PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2011 11:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've discovered a few GPS after posting this Chapter. I think the ending is RUBBISH, as I haven't mentioned thongs in Chapter 3, but overall I think I did a good job. Very Happy

Please Post! I'd like some reply and review from others. That can help me in writing, plotting and also creating people inside the story.

Mainly the plot isn't finished (actually I don't have a plot, I've thought of the plot of each chapter after I've finished the previous ones) this may cause overlapping or other problems, but I hope you'll enjoy reading!
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 3:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey man. I finally got to work and have begun reading from part one.

One thing I noticed is that you have trouble distiguishing between which types of pronouns to use. (him/she/her/his/he) Those types of things, which is understandable from your position since I would guess english isn't your first language, is pretty tough to discern from.

You're doing pretty great so far and I applaud you for improving vastly writing. I remember writing comments on your first stories and was bewildered a bit by the amount you posted in a span of two or three weeks.

I'm finally glad you have joined the forum to help continue further improvments on your writing. (If you would like to know, I'm still having trouble with mine too, but I've been here for almost 6 or 8 years and the people I have met have helped me tremendously.)



As for the story.
When you write dialogue, you should always break paragraphs/sentences when a new person speaks. Such as in your first story here

Quote:
Private Howard was enraged by Downs' death, so the marine charged towards the Brutes and Grunts approaching the base, only to be blasted to his death by plasma weapons wield by the Covenant. "Sir, we cannot hold our position! We've got two KIA!" Gary told Colonel Terry, his CO and the highest commanding officer on Harvest. "Fall back. Now!" Terry ordered.



When Terry orders the rest of his men to fall back, that is where a new break should have began. So this is what it should have looked like.

Quote:
Private Howard was enraged by Downs' death, so the marine charged towards the Brutes and Grunts approaching the base, only to be blasted to his death by plasma weapons wield by the Covenant. "Sir, we cannot hold our position! We've got two KIA!" Gary told Colonel Terry, his CO and the highest commanding officer on Harvest.

"Fall back. Now!" Terry ordered.



It should be pretty easy and straightfoward from there if you get that part down.

There's also the matter of using 'A, An, and The'. There was some song my fifth grade teacher taught me to properly distinguish the use of these, but I can't recall it. I swear, if I told you it, you'd be like WOW it makes total sense! lol.


This is another quote from your first story.
Code:
A Brute screamed in agony and fell.


I'm not too sure if Brutes actually scream in agony. They are more of a beastly type, ferocious bear-like creature. Meaning they'd roar in anger, or let out a large thunderous noise and collapsed.

Have/has is also a biggy.

Here's an example.


Quote:
I have finished my project.
Meaning that I just finished my project not only a few minutes/hours/days ago.

Quote:
He has already finished his project.
Meaning that it has already been accomplished in a past sense.

Have = Present
Has = Past

I could be wrong though.


Interesting read so far. Covenant combined with UNSC technology. That is devestating.

SGM Johnson's son though? I don't know about that. I'm pretty sure his sexual drive had been downgraded ever since his over-exposure to radiation with two dozen Plasma Grenades.

Also, when you write something like this..
Quote:

They are ready to die for the UNSC and Humanity.

Stealth Hangar, Base LAST RESORT, Main Launch Bay

Gary waited for the ODSTs, total eighteen marines, to broad the Eagle L-52 special operations aerial assault ship before settling in the pilot's seat. The ship was well armed, with 25 HE-64 missile warheads and a dual laser beam. Ballistic weapons are mounted at the back. It can be fired by either the pilot or the gunner sitting on the rear. Fire holes on the sides allow passengers to attack.



It would be best to use something other than italics. Perhaps bolding would help the reader know the settings have changed, like this.

Quote:

They are ready to die for the UNSC and Humanity.

Stealth Hangar, Base LAST RESORT, Main Launch Bay

Gary waited for the ODSTs, total eighteen marines, to broad the Eagle L-52 special operations aerial assault ship before settling in the pilot's seat. The ship was well armed, with 25 HE-64 missile warheads and a dual laser beam. Ballistic weapons are mounted at the back. It can be fired by either the pilot or the gunner sitting on the rear. Fire holes on the sides allow passengers to attack.




Now on to your second part. I like how you've broken the dialogue here. It is much easier for the reader to understand, but there are still some paragraphs where you continued to add two or more character dialogue's in.


I have also noticed that you put in direct quotes from novels. I would advise not doing so, unless you state where exactly you recieved it from. You don't want to get pinned for something you didn't intend to do.

Such as this.


Quote:
Listen to me, Covenant. I am Vice Admiral Preston J. Cole commanding the human flagship, Everest. You claim to be the holy and glorious inheritors of the universe? I spit on your so-called holiness. You dare judge us unfit? After I have personally sent more than three hundred of your vainglorious ships to hell? After kicking your collective butts off Harvest - not once - but twice? From where I sit, we are the worthy inheritors. You think otherwise, you can come and try to prove me wrong.
--- Admiral Preston J. Cole


Should have wrote.

Quote:
---Admiral Preston J. Cole "Halo: Evolutions - The Impossible Life and the Possible Death of Preston J. Cole"



Overall, I found your story to be unique and engaging, despite the grammar. It has me interested, but try to fix what I've said below.

Don't repost your stories again. Just continue where you are with the corrections I've stated above.

I'm sure I've missed alot too while reading this. I hope this helps you somewhat. Keep on writing!

In order to succeed, you have to have some sort of mistakes to keep you from succeeding. Keep at it and you'll improve. Wink
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Carson Woo
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Joined: 09 Jun 2011
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Location: Hong Kong, China

PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 11:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're right. Chinese is my main language.

Great help, Mark. I'm now currently writing the third part, which I have difficulties. I've wrote about Cortana and John travelled to Onyx and met the stranded in the shield world.

Also, I've wrote about Buck fighting on Doisac, the Brute Home World. One of my problems is that I'm afarid that the future marines, will not appear in part three. I'm worried that it will confused readers.

A little favor- can you offer some comment on Kurt meeting the ancient humans? I think that it's quite, crazy to be honest.

I'll look into the story, and fix whatever is wrong.

Again, Thanks! Very Happy

PS: It's the 26th century, so maybe there's a way to rebuild or just do some high-tech things to SGM Johnson. Also, I'll wait for your reply before posting Chapter 3.
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-Wu Jin Tao, President Of China
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well with regarding Kurt. I doubt he would be alive in the 26th century. all of the S-II's were about 6 years of age in the year 2517. By 2525, they were 14 or 15 being prepped for Augmentation.

And if you intend to somehow bring Kurt to the 26th century, even after being revived a decade or two after 2552...I don't really know man.

That is what is really bothering me a bit. I didn't even begin to think about what you refered to.

When you say ancient humans, you mean Forerunners or the Precursors? If you are, I don't entirely know too much about that.


I also like how you are trying to fit everything together to gather all these major characters into one setting, but I don't see it really plausible.

If you figured out a way, that would be awesome.

The main reason why I don't see it as really plausible is we don't accurately know how long one can stay in Cryogenic Stasis in the Haloverse.

As for SGM Johnson...again, I don't entirely know really.

Just remember, this is your story. Craft it how you want it to be.
I would also suggest running through microsoft words error check. Unless you use another program to write your stories on. Or have a friend read it and tell you what he thinks.

I always post mine on my facebook page before submitting it. I got quite a few of my school friends hooked and they aren't even at near crazy Halo-loving status as I. Very Happy
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Carson Woo
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I mean Prehistoric Humans, the Humans on Earth. According to Halo Cryptum, prehistoric humans reached a technology tier 1, par with the Forerunners. They extended out of the Orion Arm to escapemForerunner control. Then, the humans encountered the Flood, and fought the Flood and the Forerunners together because in the need of new worlds. The Flood was driven out, but humanity lost. As a result, Humanity was downgraded to a Tier 7 species, which only have a technology of a tribe.

As of Kurt, he was saved in the last minute by a prehistoric human, who rescued him to a Fortress Class Carrier.

Then, I'll make the stranded of Onyx rejoin Kurt and the prehistoric humans. Then, SGM Johnson's great great grandson and his squad mate traveled to the prehistoric human's hideout.

Please rate this plot. Surprised
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-Wu Jin Tao, President Of China
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't even bought a copy of Halo: Cryptum yet Sad
So I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

If you can pull it off, I'm sure it'll be good.
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MasterPIE
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 12:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with all that Mark said. Carson, i applaud you for all the writing you have done! Very Happy Shows that you are an avid fan. Also, i cant imagine myself writing my works in chinese...(it is my second language)
Keep up the good work but try to watch out for the stuff i had mentioned previously..
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FYI: I am the 'Lee Hung Ping' you see in fanfict posts. I am sorry to keep confusing you all who dont know me. It just gets irritating after a while of starting my posts with 'HungPing here,'.
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