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Providence Part One

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2011 2:13 pm    Post subject: Providence Part One Reply with quote

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Providence Part One
Posted by MaxRealflugel (flugel_mcdougall@hotmail.co.uk)
20 April 2011, 9:37 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=MaxRealfluge0420112137231.html
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 22, 2011 2:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I gotta say, this is a pleasant read. Very good writing, the dialog matches the personality we know about Sangheili without being too ornate (a trap a lot of writers fall prey to), and it's compelling. The touch of Reach was also much appreciated.

It's short, but it sets up the primary conflict well. I'm looking forward to the next installment.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Raspberry completely here. Nice, short fic, with a very well-done presentation of the Sangheili, and from a new angle as well. You give us little tidbits of information here and there, enough to keep me, at least, interested in where you're going with this. The ritual seemed very Sangheili, and I'm very interested in this secret society-type group that performs it, and how the Arbiter ties in. Plus, a well-written story set after Halo 3 is always a plus.

Keep up the good work, and welcome to HBOFF!
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flugelmeister
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 7:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comments, they're always appreciated.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 12:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is one of the first Covenant POV stories that I am actually extremely looking foward to in continuing.

I loved it. Absolutely loved it. Keep it up. You've got talent.

Could you give us a date though? But if you never intended to have a date, it's fine by me. I'm just curious.

Great job =)
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kr1
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 26, 2011 1:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

flugelmeister wrote:
Thanks for the comments, they're always appreciated.


Wait, you've been around here. Nix the welcome the HBOFF, and welcome back instead. You posting under a new name?
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flugelmeister
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 7:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As far as I know I've always posted under flugelmeister, though I'm not completely sure if I've tried with MaxRealflugel--my b.net title.

Can't really provide any times. Sorry. And this week and next will be hectic to say the least. But I'll try and get the next part out this week. Can't promise, though.

Again, thanks for the comments.
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flugelmeister
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 11:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Never did finish this.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 5:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was one story I actually kept my eye on too. And I RARELY do that.

You should post whatever you have since last working on it and call it a rough draft of what was supposed to be Very Happy
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flugelmeister
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 8:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Will do.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2014 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Intriguing...a well written Covenant POV for the first time in a while. You've got some GPS errors but that's standard.

So, your basing your story off of Halo 4? Sangheili always have an apostrophe in front of their name, #1. Two, if there is no "mee" at the end of said name ('Reagameee fpr example), it denotes a separate faction of the Covenant Empire. If these are Stprm Covenant, or a different Sangheili faction, that's acceptable. But keep the apostrophe, always. However, this story seems to take place during the civil war, therefore it is acceptable. If it is a Sangheili's surname (which is used most) please use an apostrophe.

It's also interesting that's he's being branded which signifies this is not Storm Covenant, so you did cite the names properly, since this took place during the separation (technically the 40th Age of Conflict I believe).

Quote:
The human defenders had covered every avenue of approach, but their one mistake had been the anticipation of a large-scale assault, and not a small vanguard with the sole purpose of establishing a foothold on the planet before the main attack. That mistake would and did cost them dearly.


I would re-write this sentence in this fashion:

Quote:
Like the cycle before, he remembered....the interlopers had indeed covered every square unit of defense, preventing assault, but their flaw was they were indeed not prepared for a large-scale invasion our forces had to offer. The Covenant were still one and the San 'Shyuum snakes and their gorilla guards were not in controlyet, Instead, preperations were focused on their defenses that provided support for smaller-scale interstellar offenses, like the Tau Ceti system, so expansion was necessary. He sat in his seat in remembrance, meditating as he thought about how this attack may not only benefit Sangheilios, but how it may be costly due to the presence of demons on the planet.


In battle tactics, a small assault on a key strategic point on Reach would mean slaughter for the Covenant unless they had a cloaked ship and soldiers with cloaks and could maintain a surprise attack and get out of the Reach system quickly. Therefore a large-scale assault would be the logical choice while obtaining the objective at the same time.

And another thing;

Quote:
Surrounded by a formidable fleet, orbital defences and thousands of single attack craft, Reaga knew this world not be easy meat, a thought that forced an excitable smile from his scarred mandibles.


Meat? I think you mean defeat or victory, unless you think the Shangheili are carnivores. The Kig-Yar have proven themselves to be, however, the Shangheili have not.

Quote:
Surrounded by a formidable fleet, orbital defences and thousands of single attack craft, Reaga knew this world not be easy meat, a thought that forced an excitable smile from his scarred mandibles.


Again, I fail to understand meat in this context...

Quote:
"How can that be, Talassis?" Stuttered Reaga. "You are respected by all Sangheili. And experienced beyond measure."

The old Sangheili smiled. "I may be experienced, but there is still much that I do not know, especially where humans are concerned."


The Human-Covenant war was started in 2525, via interrogation of a certain monitor describing the Halo rings and how the Covenant could not utilize Forerunner technology. The war therefore was started on the premise of the Covenant wiping out the Human race so that they would have no access, or discover, Forerunner technology. I guess this Sangheili was experienced in battle as a member of the council, however, the San 'Shyumm (Prophets) in their greed and hatred of the human race for their failure after the Human-Forerunner war when they were allies, therefore, these secrets were kept from the Sangheili and upon discovery of the Jiralhanae, the Sangheili-San 'Shyuun treatu included sharing all secrets with the Sangheili, which did not occur, which is why your Sangheili knew virtually northing about the assault, however, because the San 'Shyuum found a stronger, and dumber, ally in the Jiralhanae, the transitioning process was already beginning. That is exactly why your revered Sangheili had much he did not know. The San 'Shyuum are snakes.

I'm not criticizing you here; on the contrary, I'm trying to help you understand, unless you already know all of this.

Quote:
"It is clear of infection. You need not concern yourself with that element of history."

I do not understand," Reaga voiced, the weight of the situation weighing heavily on his mind. "The previous custodian would have been the residing Fleet Master, which at the time was Thel Vadum."

Talassis nodded. "That is correct."

"What are you saying?" Reaga said. "That I must to take this to Thelů to the Arbiter? The ring is reason he was chosen."


Now I'm confused. Is this a different faction of the Covenant? Apparently by this quote, the civil war has already started, and all the council members have been killed; on High Charity at least. If he's on Sangheilios, it is different, but it is the custom of the Sangheili/Covenant to not have more than one Arbiter.

Well I have nothing more to say. I'm a Covenant POV Veteran myself and I've been writing for over 10 years, so don't worry, I'm just trying to help! Covenant POV is much more difficult that Human POV, and honestly, I've gotten uded to it. Cannon is cannon, and sure, it's Fan Fiction, you can go off cannon, but the introduction, should be canonical.

Best of luck!
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flugelmeister
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2014 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoa, Syotica. Slow down. You're getting ahead of yourself.

The story takes place after the war but years before Halo 4. Reaga is a former zealot, who was heavily involved in the initial vanguard invasion of Reach.

Talassis was a warrior years before the human-Covenant war and hasn't had many dealings with them. If you follow the story you'll realise his involvement is ceremonial in nature, after all, very few Sangheili have undertaken this process.

The use of the word 'meat' refers to prey, not food.

Trust me, I know a lot about the Halo universe, but what you have to understand is that this is 'fanfiction', meaning it's not canon. Though I do try and stay loyal to the ethos and soul of Halo. I originally wrote this in 2011, before Halo 4.

I do appreciate the comments, though. But I'm not sure how you reached the conclusions that you did.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2014 2:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

flugelmeister wrote:
Whoa, Syotica. Slow down. You're getting ahead of yourself.

The story takes place after the war but years before Halo 4. Reaga is a former zealot, who was heavily involved in the initial vanguard invasion of Reach.

Talassis was a warrior years before the human-Covenant war and hasn't had many dealings with them. If you follow the story you'll realise his involvement is ceremonial in nature, after all, very few Sangheili have undertaken this process.

The use of the word 'meat' refers to prey, not food.

Trust me, I know a lot about the Halo universe, but what you have to understand is that this is 'fanfiction', meaning it's not canon. Though I do try and stay loyal to the ethos and soul of Halo. I originally wrote this in 2011, before Halo 4.

I do appreciate the comments, though. But I'm not sure how you reached the conclusions that you did.


Okay thanks for clearing that up; it's just the way I write Covenant POV. Basically in my realm (also non-canon) there are two fleets with an Sangheili Armada Commander that know nothing about what happened with the Halo's, and when they learned what the true purpose was and what happened with the Jiralhanae, a coup was thrown and they reigned in a new Covenant empire. That's the story I've been planning/working on.

I did get ahead of myself, I just didn't understand some of the terms you meant. Every piece of Covenant POV is different, person to person. So, apologies my friend. It was indeed an enjoyable read.
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