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Stirrings - Histories

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 2:10 pm    Post subject: Stirrings - Histories Reply with quote

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Stirrings - Histories
Posted by CaptainRaspberry (jptaber@gmail.com)
6 April 2011, 2:31 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CaptainRaspb0406111431591.html
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good stuff, Raspberry. A little short, but long enough to be intriguing. The beginning message was particularly interesting, and I'd love to see where you're going with it. I thought it might've been related to your last Spartan fic, initially, but the timeline doesn't allow it. It's a good hook, though. And similar to what you did with The Knife's Edge, I like the treatment of the antagonists as just regular people with different motivations rather than straight-up bad guys.

Also, it's a little thing, but having your character be a Frenchman with a German name is a nice touch. Despite the UNSC being a huge interplanetary government, most characters sound decidedly American. It's little details like that that help bring a story to life.

Anyways, nice work, and I'll be looking forward to the next entry.
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Delahunt
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Joined: 04 Mar 2011
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 1:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not sure if it was just me, but I found some of the sentence structure in the first bit (after the message) a bit jarring. By the time you shift focus to the insurrection, you're back to your usual self, but up at the beginning it just feels a bit...disjointed.

Having read it all, it could be intentional, why I'm curious about it, as disjointed and broken totally works for an aging man waking up and coming to.

On the non-technical side. Very enjoyable. I agree, the note in the beginning is intriguing, as is the idea of an entire fleet going Innie complete with an AI (presumably a smart AI considering ONI is marking it as especially valuable)
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