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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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MasterPIE
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Joined: 02 Mar 2011
Posts: 12
Location: Singapore
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 Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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Great potrayal of the cutscene and the story! Emotions could be a little more down to earth, because noble six is a spartan after all.
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FYI: I am the 'Lee Hung Ping' you see in fanfict posts. I am sorry to keep confusing you all who dont know me. It just gets irritating after a while of starting my posts with 'HungPing here,'. |
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Delahunt
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Joined: 04 Mar 2011
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 12:56 am Post subject: |
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It is well done, but I have to agree with PIE. Some of the emotions, the near vomiting, breaks the battle hardened Spartan that 6 is supposed to be.
It isn't terrible, it is just a bit breaking for what 6 is supposed to be. All in all, nice job.
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea
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| Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2011 1:11 am Post subject: |
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I was quite surprised really.
I haven't read a decent first person story in a long time, no matter how short it was.
At the end, when you had Six seeing all the Spartans at the training facility in his last vision, I was a little confused why Jorge was there. Then I remembered this guy was dying. Of course he's going to see people that weren't originally at Onyx.
Awesome job!
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)" |
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