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The Stand - Rapier Team

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 2:10 pm    Post subject: The Stand - Rapier Team Reply with quote

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The Stand - Rapier Team
Posted by Delahunt (delirium.end@realityrefracted.com)
27 March 2011, 3:27 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Delahunt0327111527351.html
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 3:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right, finally caught up. It's a good story, Delahunt. You had a few minor errors -- "to" instead of "too," some inappropriate semi-colons -- but nothing that was overall detracting.

The story was engaging, if a little simple. I expected the twist of a fourth Covenant vessel to have more impact, maybe force the Stone Cold or Team Rapier to take truly drastic actions.

I also noticed that Melissa broke the name rule at the end. For shame. Razz

All in all, a solid debut. Buck up, Delahunt. We'll be expecting more of you in time.
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Delahunt
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 5:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

name rule?

As for the fourth ship, I wasn't sure how I wanted to handle it. So figured I'd have the cavalry arrive for once. Besides, taking on a 4th ship in that situation is stretching the bounds even more than I already had.

Grammar will forever by my eternal enemy. Until the day that I find its lair and plunge my blood-soaked ballpoint pen through its gooey jugular.

Glad you enjoyed the story. Out of curiosity, what would you suggest would have made it less simple/straight forward?
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kr1
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Delahunt wrote:
name rule?


Spartans never telling non-Spartans. Not sure how SIIIs handle that though, honestly, so it's good. Razz

I had meant to comment on your last one, but I'll just lump it in with this one, as most of my nitpicky complaints are more for this than the other.

First, though, the good. You do action very well. A lot of folks have trouble with combat and just give us just a dry overview of what goes on, but you describe it clearly Second, you handle your SIIIs well as well. Like combat, Spartans are something not a lot of people write well, but it really comes across that these are children raised together who are at war. There's that mix of slightly immature banter and stoic determination, the former particularly indicative of the SIIIs. Again, I like how young they come across. Most people forget that by 2552 Gamma were still only around 14 (although the Gunny's comment about Melissa was a bit jarring Razz )

Now, my issues. Mostly smaller stuff, with one larger complaint. First, although you do space combat well, I didn't quite understand the logic behind the final tactic to take out the last Covenant ship. From what I understood, nukes were typically used as finishing strikes, or the opening salvo against a group of ships. MACs always seemed like they were used to take down shields. It would seem to make more sense to me that the MACs hit first, allowing the nuke and Archers to hit. Maybe that's just me, though.

My bigger complaint is how quickly the ending came up. It seems like you could've done more in showing us the UNSC reinforcements arriving, or the bombardment of the ship on the ground. It just kind of happens fast, where we go from "Oh shit there's another ship" to "Never mind, they killed it".

And the last issue Raspberry and you mentioned, is GPS. There were a bunch of little things, from spelling errors to miscapitalizations and the like, and if this weren't as good as it were, those could easily ruin a piece. It just leaves things looking unpolished, but having someone proofread can help get rid of those.

Anyways, nice work here. Good to have another regular on board.
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Delahunt
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The idea was: Nuke drops the shield, as it has 2 chances to do it. 1 with the blast, and 2 with the EMP. MAC rounds can then take the ship.

It is costly, and a bit backwards, but it also seemed like more of a sure thing, and also an angle the Covenant might not have been looking for. It is also likely an area where my lack of knowledge on the Halo universe shows, as while I have read some of the books, the only use of nukes in a combat scenario I've seen is Nylund's depiction of Keyes's Loop, where it was used to drop shields.

Looking back at it, I think the ending is what had me feeling off on things. I should have expanded it. Part of the problem is I wanted to keep the story relatively small, which essentially ended up cutting too much out. This comes off worse, considering the work put into intro'ing the non-Spartans. If I wanted to keep it compact, I should have focused on them. Instead, I tried for both and messed up the second tier of the story in the end. Hopefully, a good learning experience. Especially in tension control, as looking at it now I am not sure why I thought it was good to build to a spike and then just be like "oh that? Yeah, we handled that last week, man. It's all good now."

Out of curiosity KR1, what did you like about the action sequences? Like, what made them stand out to you as good ones? Not trying to just fish for more praise, I'm genuinely interested in what makes them stick out, as opposed to what in them could change. Action is one of those things that is hard to capture, so I'm constantly trying to improve how I do it.

Edit: Oh, and the Johnson line. Keep in mind he never sees her face. So he has bad-ass combat medic, and doesn't see "she's a 12 year old girl with 20 year old proportions" Wink
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kr1
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 7:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I couldn't recall if her helmet was off completely, but I figured he didn't realize how young she was. Spartans are always portrayed as looking older than they are.

And the action in general was just shown well. We get a lot of folks who do just a blow-by-blow 'they did this, then this, then the fight was over' kind of stuff that leaves the whole thing sounding like a vague description of a fight in a videogame. The other end of the spectrum is folks who just don't describe the fight in detail at all, with just 'they found a Brute and fought it and won'. You gave us a clear description of the fight, but on top of that it was clearly through the eyes of your characters, with their emotions and senses adding more depth.
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