 |
HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
|
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
|
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
kr1
IRC Channel Operator
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
|
 Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2011 6:32 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
Good stuff here overall. Unfortunately, it's very short, so it's difficult to get a good feel, but still well done. Just a couple little GPS errors like a missing capital for Shiva. It seems a little odd that all the Spartans would be warrant officers, too, unless you have a specific reason for that, but that's just me. The Keyes Loop bit seems a bit out of place, too, mostly just because it'd be a very new tactic as of the timeline, and also because it seems to be one that relies heavily on luck. Again, just me, though.
Anyways, good work, and keep it up!
_________________
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Delahunt
Member
Joined: 04 Mar 2011
Posts: 13
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2011 6:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| kr1 wrote: | Good stuff here overall. Unfortunately, it's very short, so it's difficult to get a good feel, but still well done. Just a couple little GPS errors like a missing capital for Shiva. It seems a little odd that all the Spartans would be warrant officers, too, unless you have a specific reason for that, but that's just me. The Keyes Loop bit seems a bit out of place, too, mostly just because it'd be a very new tactic as of the timeline, and also because it seems to be one that relies heavily on luck. Again, just me, though.
Anyways, good work, and keep it up! |
The warrant officer thing is pretty much Captain Raspberry's fault, but I am planning on doing something with it at some time. The general idea is (which isn't explained int he story) is the Spartans are something of an 'early graduating class' from Gamma company. Probably grabbed by ONI, as well, ONI is always grabbing things.
The Keyes Loop I figured might be a bit better known by Destroyer captains as it was a "major victory" in how it was shown. You are right, it is a desperation tactic. But 3 Covenant's on 1 Destroyer does call for something of desperate tactics, and Commander Jane isn't a tactical prodigy like a certain Captain Keyes was. I also just kind of wanted to reference the books.
This is the intro to the main story (essentially the set up for the situation) that will be in the next 3 parts. The story primarily focuses on Rapier team on the ground, though the Stone Cold does get mentioned again. All the parts are going to be short (the next part is only about 2.5k) as I am just trying for something short and hopefully sweet for my first foray into fanfic writing, let alone the Halo universe.
Thanks for the comments on the universe too. I like Halo, but am not a canon guru by any means, so little factual errors are likely to be common. Sorry! >_<
_________________
Aut Viam Inveniam Aut Faciam
"Tell me Sergeant, where, under ‘Unstoppable Covenant Killing Machine,’ is ‘takes care of adorable fluffy animals’ listed?" |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
kr1
IRC Channel Operator
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2011 7:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
No worries. I figured they were Gamma by the date and the naming scheme, but you may want to emphasize how young they appear (Gamma's soldiers were 12-14, IIRC, although they likely looked older). And the usage of the Keyes Loop ddin't really come off as a desperation tactic here. Just something you might want to work on for the next chapter--make it clear that the shit could very well hit the fan any moment. 
Anyways, looking forward to the next chapter. And if you have any canon questions, feel free to ask.
_________________
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Delahunt
Member
Joined: 04 Mar 2011
Posts: 13
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2011 8:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| kr1 wrote: | No worries. I figured they were Gamma by the date and the naming scheme, but you may want to emphasize how young they appear (Gamma's soldiers were 12-14, IIRC, although they likely looked older). And the usage of the Keyes Loop ddin't really come off as a desperation tactic here. Just something you might want to work on for the next chapter--make it clear that the shit could very well hit the fan any moment.
Anyways, looking forward to the next chapter. And if you have any canon questions, feel free to ask. |
Yeah. I'll try and get some of the desperation played up. Or at least the costs of the Keyes loop when the Stone Cold comes back into play.
Still, glad you like it. Will hopefully be able to convey more tension for you later. Course, with Spartans that can be hard to do 
_________________
Aut Viam Inveniam Aut Faciam
"Tell me Sergeant, where, under ‘Unstoppable Covenant Killing Machine,’ is ‘takes care of adorable fluffy animals’ listed?" |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group
|
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Register
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
