CaptainRaspberry
Member
Joined: 20 Mar 2009
Posts: 57
Location: Littleton, MA
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 Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2011 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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First and least, the one thing that I recognized was wrong with this story is it not fitting canon. There's no Omega Company established in the universe, although there is an Omega Team. However, almost nobody here subscribes to rigid canonical adherence, so this is not a big deal.
The rest of the story is, however. There are several GPS errors, not the least of which being paragraph spacing. Each time someone speaks is a new paragraph, which would break up these megablocks of text into more readable (and aesthetically pleasing) lines.
The story is incredibly rushed. We know almost nothing about the characters, their mission is vague, and events which should take up entire sections of a chapter -- multiple paragraphs -- are thrown at us in fragments. The Spartans crashing into the hospital and finding their way to the helipad should have had a lot more description. The fight with a Brute Chieftain was only a sentence, when fighting one of those guys is a challenge for anyone, even a Spartan.
At the core of this is one problem: you're telling, not showing. Don't just tell us that Carlos is a medic; have him perform some field surgery, or even just talk about being a medic.
To remedy this, I would first recommend picking up a copy of The Elements of Style at your local library or favorite bookstore. Then pick up your favorite novel and read it while paying attention to why you care about the characters, what the author does to draw attention to parts of their personality.
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Superstite es non sole;
Salute es dignus.
Current Project: Ha ha ha! |
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