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Heroic Last Stand - Team Trident

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 12:07 pm    Post subject: Heroic Last Stand - Team Trident Reply with quote

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Heroic Last Stand - Team Trident
Posted by HairyGoggles (hairy.goggles@hotmail.co.uk)
23 January 2011, 4:12 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=HairyGoggles0123110412401.html
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coolijive
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 1:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad… but you definitely have some room for improvement. I hope you won’t mind some constructive criticism. Wink

You have a few spelling and grammar problems throughout the piece, and your writing is full of punctuation errors. That is usually not a big deal; however, your comma errors are in fundamental principles of sentence structure, so they frequently cause confusion or disrupt the flow of your writing. Let me know if you want the details, and I can post them here or PM them to you. Wink

Your syntax and lexicon have hints of English. Are you from the UK? It’s not really a problem, but it jumps out sometimes, especially when you use archaic forms such as whilst rather than while. English is great for characters who speak it, but many readers will find American vernacular to be more militant and congruent with the narrative style used in canonical Halo literature. Maybe play around with some Yankee jargon. Wink

All of the GPS things can be remedied with a quick reference to a style guide. Your actual story is of greater concern. Since this is your first entry in the series, we can assume the plot will evolve over time; however, there could be more here than just an action scene. The most simplistic type of writing is description of action. While it certainly has its place, it should not read like the thoughts of a ten-year-old boy playing with action figures in his bedroom. Playing Halo sparks the imagination in just that way, and that is wonderful, but it doesn’t make for a very good story. Ideally, you should pull from your own life experiences, but if you can’t, try to catch an imaginative spark from a cut scene or even canonical literature rather than in-game firefights.

When writing action, try to explore more of the five senses. Don’t just tell us what you see. Immerse yourself in the scene. Tell us what you smell, what you feel, what you hear. Go beyond the obvious sound effects like explosions, gunshots, and equipment; tell us about the background noise. Most importantly, however, remember that when using third-person omniscient, you can tell us so much more than what you sense physically. You can tell us what the characters are thinking and what they are feeling emotionally. So far, I only know what your action figures look like, what weapons they were using, and how you moved them around the battlefield. Why were they there? What were they trying to accomplish? Were their motives different?

Work on developing your characters with more effort. Remember to show don’t tell. Your character profiles were cleverly framed in Mendez’s report, but the effect is still the same. We get a quick zoom around the room for introductions. That works for children’s literature, B-list action movies, and character selection in game menus… but not much else. Instead, you might dedicate part of your story to showing us how each of your characters has the traits described in their profile.

I hope that helps. Keep it up! Wink
_________________
“You didn’t actually plan any of this, did you?”
“We thought you’d do something exciting.”
“We’re still waiting,” Riser said.
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HairyGoggles
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Joined: 29 Jan 2011
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 6:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

coolijive wrote:
Not bad… but you definitely have some room for improvement. I hope you won’t mind some constructive criticism. Wink


Greetings coolijive, constructive criticism is always very much appreciated by me so don not hold back on it. Smile

coolijive wrote:

You have a few spelling and grammar problems throughout the piece, and your writing is full of punctuation errors. That is usually not a big deal; however, your comma errors are in fundamental principles of sentence structure, so they frequently cause confusion or disrupt the flow of your writing. Let me know if you want the details, and I can post them here or PM them to you. Wink


Yes details would be much appreciated! Its been a common stumbling block in my writings so any help on that's greatly appreciated indeed. A number of the spelling issues have since been spotted and fixed, although I imagine I still have probably missed a few others, we are human after all. Wink

[quote="coolijive"]
Your syntax and lexicon have hints of English. Are you from the UK? It’s not really a problem, but it jumps out sometimes, especially when you use archaic forms such as whilst rather than while. English is great for characters who speak it, but many readers will find American vernacular to be more militant and congruent with the narrative style used in canonical Halo literature. Maybe play around with some Yankee jargon. Wink
Quote:


Yes indeed I am a Brit (Welsh to be precise). Wink I'll see if I can use some more Yankee jargon in future with a little help off of my American significant other. Laughing

[quote="coolijive"]
All of the GPS things can be remedied with a quick reference to a style guide. Your actual story is of greater concern. Since this is your first entry in the series, we can assume the plot will evolve over time; however, there could be more here than just an action scene. The most simplistic type of writing is description of action. While it certainly has its place, it should not read like the thoughts of a ten-year-old boy playing with action figures in his bedroom. Playing Halo sparks the imagination in just that way, and that is wonderful, but it doesn’t make for a very good story. Ideally, you should pull from your own life experiences, but if you can’t, try to catch an imaginative spark from a cut scene or even canonical literature rather than in-game firefights.


Now the opening part of this series is an action scene yes, I was hoping to post it with a little extra afterwards and simply have Mendez's report as the prologue/intro, but sadly the amount of words required to submit here denied that and so I added what has pretty much been designated "Part 1" in the storyline to add to the prologue. I pretty much based the idea of a battle being part 1 very much off of Nuyland's work where the opening scenes have always been battle scenes/campaign moments with the characters. I've ofund it certainly helps to draw in people who wish to know who these aciton figures are. Wink

coolijive wrote:

Well as you mentioned this indeed is the start of a series (the general plot of major incidents has already been mapped out)
When writing action, try to explore more of the five senses. Don’t just tell us what you see. Immerse yourself in the scene. Tell us what you smell, what you feel, what you hear. Go beyond the obvious sound effects like explosions, gunshots, and equipment; tell us about the background noise. Most importantly, however, remember that when using third-person omniscient, you can tell us so much more than what you sense physically. You can tell us what the characters are thinking and what they are feeling emotionally. So far, I only know what your action figures look like, what weapons they were using, and how you moved them around the battlefield. Why were they there? What were they trying to accomplish? Were their motives different?

Work on developing your characters with more effort. Remember to show don’t tell. Your character profiles were cleverly framed in Mendez’s report, but the effect is still the same. We get a quick zoom around the room for introductions. That works for children’s literature, B-list action movies, and character selection in game menus… but not much else. Instead, you might dedicate part of your story to showing us how each of your characters has the traits described in their profile.

I hope that helps. Keep it up! Wink


In part 2 when the team are picked up by Gauntlet, we start to see more on the team's personalities and traits, also some development of the plotline as well. It also contains the reason why Team Trident were on that battlefield and what their purpose was. Pulling form life experiences is going to be quite easily thankfully, as the characters themselves are being based off of a group of people I know, so it is relatively easy to put them in the garb of supersoldiers and work out how they behave with their personalities etc. Part 1 is essentially just the springboard part and as mentioned above, more on their development and personality is to come.

Hopefully I can get a much better feel and idea for future battle moments after next weekend when I'm attending a scenario paintball event (essentially military style paintball Very Happy) with pretty much everything in it from grenades to explosions, so that will certainly help me gain a stronger experience in firefight scenes and involving all five senses. It might not be on par with plasma and bullets flying, but its the closest I can probably get to experience safely.

Your critique has certainly helped a lot coolijive so thankyou for taking the time to read and post up your suggesitons/opinions. They're much appreciated.

Part 2 will hoplefully appear in the near future! Very Happy

HG
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