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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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(Na)Marl
Member
Joined: 03 Nov 2004
Posts: 689
Location: --Looking for you! I have a knife!
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 Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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--Good job, Chuckles. I'll give you a 89/100 for that one. Great. Can't wait for the next one.
--You had a great display of just about everyone's fear and whatnot. Keep it up. |
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The Arbitress
She Devil
Joined: 11 Dec 2004
Posts: 553
Location: Discussing high energy astrophysics with The Arbiter
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| Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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| well, gotta say that this one was good, but didnt make as much sense as the others. it was kinda hard to keep track of all the characters and stuff. but still pretty good. |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 10:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | well, gotta say that this one was good, but didnt make as much sense as the others. it was kinda hard to keep track of all the characters and stuff. but still pretty good. |
My plots can get that way. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or post them. Thanks for the feedback. In a plot like this, where I reveal bits and pieces every fic (like what planet they are on, what might be in the box, why Erebus is such a horrible place, whose side is Lieutenant Scott Carion really on, etc.) you can start to lose track of the stuff that is revealed, or even why you should care.
I can promise you one thing: the box is NOT Count Dracula's frozen coffin. You can cross that off of your list. That's all I'm giving away 
C.T. Clown |
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 1:03 am Post subject: |
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Now, I'm really going to have nightmares, because the part when that guy gets slashed up by Chuckles reminds me of the Freddie movie.
This is your fault!
- Dave.
Post Script - Chuckles, this is great! Man, you should go out to the professional writing syndicates!
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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Helljumper
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Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh
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| Posted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 5:57 am Post subject: |
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that was really good, i have to admit that i've been following your series on and off but the writing was great. now bout my character. I think you should go into detail bout "ever defeat a Spartan in the Navy's Combat Simulator, they saw him as a threat—and he loved it. "
How did i do that exactly. that would be a great flashback.
ODST |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 7:23 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | I think you should go into detail bout "ever defeat a Spartan in the Navy's Combat Simulator, they saw him as a threat—and he loved it. "
How did i do that exactly. that would be a great flashback.
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Yeah, I have been thinking about this one, and it would make a great flashback. It presents a challenge, so we'll see.
Thanks for the comments.
C.T. Clown |
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Chuckles
Member
Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 10:29 am Post subject: |
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Wow, my poem has gotten more comments than my story. Of course, most of those were from H-Fanatic. Still, strange.
C.T. Clown |
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(Na)Marl
Member
Joined: 03 Nov 2004
Posts: 689
Location: --Looking for you! I have a knife!
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| Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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| --I thought Sagus was dead. Didn't it say at the end of chapter four that one more twist of the rod would kill Sagus, and the guy twisted it one last time? |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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No, it didn't say that he would die, just that his eyes would pop out, and he would we under undescribable pain. Brain damage, too.
Anyway.
Well, I noticed a mistake or two in there, minor, just stuff like lack of a period.
Also, when you had Chuck slash the guy's thoat, I thought that it could have flowed better. Or used just an ounce more detail. Nothing gorey, but just a little.
You know, for some reason, right or not, I thought "he was drawing a clown" when I read that part. I also thought that it was really vague. Almost to vague but no quite. It started to give me the feeling that things were being rushed, though.
I love your endings by the way. Not a dead dropoff, but enough to keep me thinking for a few minutes. I find it interesting that you can make a story about just a little box. But, hell, it's good.
Overall, great as usual, and I can't wait for the next. Just a few minor problems that I noted; but maybe that was because I was too busy enjoying my read. Keep up the good work.
By the way; hey, Chuck, when do I get to be in a story?
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Chuckles
Member
Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sun Dec 26, 2004 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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I am mostly done with part six, and will probably be submitting it by Monday morning. Helljumper, I hope you like what I did with your character in this one. Although it was pretty tough, I did the flashback and I hope you like it. Thanks for the idea.
C.T. Clown |
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Turpertrator
Member
Joined: 15 Jan 2005
Posts: 38
Location: in a Battlefield2 server near you
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| Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 2:29 am Post subject: |
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Chuckles, had a question about this sequence:
| Quote: | The Lieutenant left, mopping his forehead with a handkerchief. A few minutes later in his cabin, he placed a communication device into his ear. A voice crackled on the other end.
"Yes?"
"I think we've hit a snag. I need to speak with Turpolev, immediately"
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Who is the 'he' that spoke into the comm? I don't follow your pronouns here.
_________________
Turpertrator
Read Turper's stories here: http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?author=Turpertrator |
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Chuckles
Member
Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 4:51 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Who is the 'he' that spoke into the comm? I don't follow your pronouns here. |
I'm just spit-ballin' here, but I'd have to go with the Lieutenant, seeing as he was the only person in the sentence.
So, Turpertrator, do you like these stories, or have you just come here to nitpick? I mean, I had penciled in a heroic exit for you, but I could change that. Yeah, how about I have you bust a blood vessel in your brain during a sneezing fit--how's that for an exit?
Man, cancel ONE breakfast meeting with someone and they snipe your stories . . .
C.T. Clown |
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
Member
Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 1218
Location: Always here to help
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| Posted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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Chuckles, you ARE evil! I must put you in SPECTRE!
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures |
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(Na)Marl
Member
Joined: 03 Nov 2004
Posts: 689
Location: --Looking for you! I have a knife!
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| Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 12:48 am Post subject: |
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| --Wow! That is dark, Chuckles. |
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