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Ghosts of Erebus (part five): Drawing with Broken Fingers
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 6:20 pm    Post subject: Ghosts of Erebus (part five): Drawing with Broken Fingers Reply with quote

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Ghosts of Erebus (part five): Drawing with Broken Fingers
Posted by Chuckles
18 December 2004, 9:08 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=chuckles.1218040908255.html
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(Na)Marl
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Joined: 03 Nov 2004
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Location: --Looking for you! I have a knife!

PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 6:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Good job, Chuckles. I'll give you a 89/100 for that one. Great. Can't wait for the next one.
--You had a great display of just about everyone's fear and whatnot. Keep it up.
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The Arbitress
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Joined: 11 Dec 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well, gotta say that this one was good, but didnt make as much sense as the others. it was kinda hard to keep track of all the characters and stuff. but still pretty good.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
well, gotta say that this one was good, but didnt make as much sense as the others. it was kinda hard to keep track of all the characters and stuff. but still pretty good.

My plots can get that way. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or post them. Thanks for the feedback. In a plot like this, where I reveal bits and pieces every fic (like what planet they are on, what might be in the box, why Erebus is such a horrible place, whose side is Lieutenant Scott Carion really on, etc.) you can start to lose track of the stuff that is revealed, or even why you should care.

I can promise you one thing: the box is NOT Count Dracula's frozen coffin. You can cross that off of your list. That's all I'm giving away Twisted Evil

C.T. Clown
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 1:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now, I'm really going to have nightmares, because the part when that guy gets slashed up by Chuckles reminds me of the Freddie movie.

This is your fault!

- Dave.

Post Script - Chuckles, this is great! Man, you should go out to the professional writing syndicates!
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 5:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

that was really good, i have to admit that i've been following your series on and off but the writing was great. now bout my character. I think you should go into detail bout "ever defeat a Spartan in the Navy's Combat Simulator, they saw him as a threat—and he loved it. "

How did i do that exactly. that would be a great flashback.

ODST
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 7:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I think you should go into detail bout "ever defeat a Spartan in the Navy's Combat Simulator, they saw him as a threat—and he loved it. "

How did i do that exactly. that would be a great flashback.

Yeah, I have been thinking about this one, and it would make a great flashback. It presents a challenge, so we'll see.

Thanks for the comments.

C.T. Clown
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 10:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, my poem has gotten more comments than my story. Of course, most of those were from H-Fanatic. Still, strange.

C.T. Clown
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--I thought Sagus was dead. Didn't it say at the end of chapter four that one more twist of the rod would kill Sagus, and the guy twisted it one last time?
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, it didn't say that he would die, just that his eyes would pop out, and he would we under undescribable pain. Brain damage, too.

Anyway.
Well, I noticed a mistake or two in there, minor, just stuff like lack of a period.
Also, when you had Chuck slash the guy's thoat, I thought that it could have flowed better. Or used just an ounce more detail. Nothing gorey, but just a little.
You know, for some reason, right or not, I thought "he was drawing a clown" when I read that part. I also thought that it was really vague. Almost to vague but no quite. It started to give me the feeling that things were being rushed, though.
I love your endings by the way. Not a dead dropoff, but enough to keep me thinking for a few minutes. I find it interesting that you can make a story about just a little box. But, hell, it's good.

Overall, great as usual, and I can't wait for the next. Just a few minor problems that I noted; but maybe that was because I was too busy enjoying my read. Keep up the good work.

By the way; hey, Chuck, when do I get to be in a story?
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2004 5:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am mostly done with part six, and will probably be submitting it by Monday morning. Helljumper, I hope you like what I did with your character in this one. Although it was pretty tough, I did the flashback and I hope you like it. Thanks for the idea.

C.T. Clown
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Turpertrator
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 2:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chuckles, had a question about this sequence:

Quote:
The Lieutenant left, mopping his forehead with a handkerchief. A few minutes later in his cabin, he placed a communication device into his ear. A voice crackled on the other end.

"Yes?"

"I think we've hit a snag. I need to speak with Turpolev, immediately"


Who is the 'he' that spoke into the comm? I don't follow your pronouns here.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Who is the 'he' that spoke into the comm? I don't follow your pronouns here.


I'm just spit-ballin' here, but I'd have to go with the Lieutenant, seeing as he was the only person in the sentence.

So, Turpertrator, do you like these stories, or have you just come here to nitpick? I mean, I had penciled in a heroic exit for you, but I could change that. Yeah, how about I have you bust a blood vessel in your brain during a sneezing fit--how's that for an exit? Twisted Evil

Man, cancel ONE breakfast meeting with someone and they snipe your stories . . .

C.T. Clown
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 15, 2005 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chuckles, you ARE evil! I must put you in SPECTRE!
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Wow! That is dark, Chuckles.
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