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Lost Platoon: Part One

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 1:23 pm    Post subject: Lost Platoon: Part One Reply with quote

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Lost Platoon: Part One
Posted by S. Thomas (S._Thomas_)
3 January 2011, 10:55 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=S._Thomas_0103112255341.html
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 435
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 8:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've got a decent start here, although you could use a bit of work. Your GPS is solid, although you have a bit of a tendency for run-on sentences.

My real complaint, though, is that you've almost got too much going on here. Although an action-packed intro can be fun, taking it a bit slower would've done your story some good. First, while you give us quite a bit of interesting details on the setting of your story, you tell the reader instead of showing. You want to avoid outright explanations if you can. Instead of spending paragraphs giving us an infodump on the setting, let it work its way in naturally, through dialogue or the actions of the characters. For example, something like the Farkas could be worked in through dialogue, maybe a character commenting that Farkas attacks could be keeping the village inside for the day. Little things like that.

Second, you jump in too quick for us as the readers to get to know your characters. Off the bat you introduce us to a full squad with little more than a name and several-word description. There are two things you could use to help establish your characters better. The first would be having a clear point-of-view character. Seeing the rest of the squad through that character's thoughts will give us a chance to see what that character thinks of everyone, instead of you as the writer just telling us. The second would be dialogue between characters. Let the characters speak for themselves so you can figure out who they are.

You have an interesting premise for a story here, though. The setting is something fresh for Reach, and I really enjoyed the use of Hungarian in dialogue. It added character to the region. For your next chapter, though, if you could just slow it down and let the reader get to know your characters and setting better before getting to the action, it'd improve what you've got here a lot.
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