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One Woman Wrecking Crew: Part I

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 7:30 pm    Post subject: One Woman Wrecking Crew: Part I Reply with quote

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One Woman Wrecking Crew: Part I
Posted by BungiesGirl (v4volcanicity@googlemail.com)
27 December 2010, 1:11 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=BungiesGirl1227101311201.html
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Col. Knadan
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Location: UNSC In Amber Clad II Class Cruiser

PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, since nobody else seems to be reviewing lately it looks like I'll have to do it. To the story, this was... odd. For the grammar, you should go through the next chapter to make sure that you have the right spelling of words and whatnot because you had some pretty noticeable mistakes in here. Like I mentioned what little story that was observable was odd, a quick note however, no Spartan except for Carter-A259 has been older than 7 or 8 when they were taken for training. I'll keep an eye on this story and reserve further judgment for then.
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 12:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

We might not be reviewing, but we're still reading.

I'm still officially on hiatus, but I want to take a moment to respond to this story. I see a lot of potential here, though it's pretty clear this story has some mechanical issues. Let's get a little in-depth here.

BungiesGirl wrote:
This job was hardly a usual Wednesday night trick; tranq the 15 year old girl, move her from the residential premises out to designated parkland where money would change hands & each party would go their separate ways.


There are a couple of grammar issues to discuss here. First of all, the semi-colon is a tricky object. It's important to remember that the name is mis-leading: it's not supposed to work like a colon (like the one I used right there), but rather like a stronger version of the comma. A colon connects thoughts, but a comma separates them. Thus, if you need to connect a thought like what doesn't ordinarily happen on Wednesday night to what they're doing right now, a colon is fine. If you needed to separate them, you should probably stick with a comma. In general, avoid semi-colons except in very special (and very rare) circumstances.

Secondly, you shouldn't use signs like an ampersand ("&") in normal prose. It comes off as unprofessional and jarring. Most signs we use in writing -- like periods, commas, hyphens, colons, even the lowly semi-colon -- are just there to help along the reader, give hints as to how he/she is supposed to read the words. In general, trying to replace words with symbols is frowned upon. I also noticed that later you used an ampersand in dialogue, which is absolutely verboten!!

In general, don't forget to murder every adverb you can find. In general, you want fewer adverbs than more. Killing every adverb is the dream of all authors, but we all violate that to one extent or another. (This post, for example, has three adverbs.)

One more thing that I'll pick on the Colonel for:

Col. Knadan wrote:
no Spartan except for Carter-A259 has been older than 7 or 8 when they were taken for training.


We don't know that for sure. Since Carter's been introduced as an exception, we can assume that others could possibly exist. Furthermore, that's a rule for SPARTAN-II or -III; at this point, we have no idea what Spartan unit this is for. It could be a later version after the war.

At any rate, we'll sit tight and keep reading. Remember: the entire community here is available for help, if you need it.
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