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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Shurmanator
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Joined: 14 Aug 2009
Posts: 51
Location: Not Where I Should Be
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 Posted: Sat Dec 18, 2010 5:05 am Post subject: |
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Really well done... you nailed the whole seemingly indifferent, bitingly sarcastic tone.
Very conversational and natural, and the ending was extremely poignant. I have a thing for retrospective pieces and memoirs, and this was an extremely well done one.
Great job.
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CaptainRaspberry
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Joined: 20 Mar 2009
Posts: 57
Location: Littleton, MA
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| Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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Powerful ending, man. Good stuff.
As usual, can't find a chink in your literary armor anywhere. So I'll just have to keep waiting and biding my time.
Hope you'll have more time to write soon.
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Superstite es non sole;
Salute es dignus.
Current Project: Ha ha ha! |
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J. D. Ford
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Joined: 20 Sep 2007
Posts: 77
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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| Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 12:13 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comments, guys. This was a bit of a different story for me.
~J. D.
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He who does not like Halo:CE is a dirty shisno. |
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eb4642
IRC Channel Operator
Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Hobbit Hole
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| Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 1:53 am Post subject: |
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I'm afraid I'm going to play devil's advocate here.
This is an excellent piece. As has been mentioned, your bitter character voice is flawless. I don't even have to mention GSP. Your characters are well-realised, believable and easy to identify with. And I liked this:
| Quote: | | living bags of lighter-than-air gas that look like a cross between a penis-headed snake, a hot air balloon, and a Portuguese Man o' War. Only with trippy bioluminescence. |
(I would posit that The Duel's elites were more like penis-headed snakes, though.)
However, there are a few concerns that I'd like to bring forward.
The first is that in comparison to your previous pieces, in particular Null and Void (which I consider to be your best to date) it feels a bit like "more of the same", particularly in the character voice. Don't get me wrong, it's excellent: I just wish you'd experiment with a slightly different perspective.
Moreover, I have some slight concerns about the pacing, and the structure of this piece. It seemed to be like a doddery elderly person recounting a tale to a child. This is all well and good, but there comes a point where even the most easily-enraptured soul will feel like screaming at them to STFU. (I know I have.)
The pacing made the piece feel slightly bland, and the description seemed rather below par, I'm afraid. Overall, I struggled to retain interest throughout.
On the other hand, the concept and the plot itself is brilliant, and the ending completely spot-on. Overall, therefore, my impressions are that this is a great story - unfortunately, it feels at times like a lacklustre re-hash of your previous works.
Still, good job, and I hope you can take this on board and try something a little bit more different. 
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The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??" |
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J. D. Ford
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Joined: 20 Sep 2007
Posts: 77
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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| Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 5:17 am Post subject: |
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In hindsight, I agree with you, eb. This is very close in tone to Null. Though it was intended to be a sort of rambling, meandering war story as told by an old veteran...based in part on the tone of conversations I've had with old veterans. But the pacing and structure could definitely use a little more color and variety.
I'll endeavor to make that happen next time. And as for Null being my best piece to date...personally, my favorite (both from a reading and writing standpoint) is easily Lambs to the Slaughter.
But that's just me. 
~J. D.
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