HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Ground team Zulu, chapter 1

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 6:20 pm    Post subject: Ground team Zulu, chapter 1 Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Ground team Zulu, chapter 1
Posted by x-marine666
18 December 2004, 1:09 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=x-marine666.1218040109591.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Helljumper
Member


Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh

PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 4:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

your writing is childish at most. it reads like a 3 year old is saying it to his parents. please don't post again until you have read all three halo books and some tom clancy, see what real writing is

that was a summary there was no story no suspense no describtions

ODST
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address MSN Messenger
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Thu Dec 23, 2004 10:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good imagination, but your writing needs more attention. Some of it, like sentence structure and style, will only come with practice. Other things, such as bad paragraphing and careless spelling errors, you should have fixed before posting. If the reader gets the idea that your story wasn't important to you, why would they continue reading? As for style, if I were you I would read some excellent action writers, such as Clancy and Ludlum, and see how they write. Reading good authors will improve your writing.

Keep at it. But next time give your spelling and grammar a LOT more attention before submitting.

C.T. Clown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 2:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You need the Code. It will make things look a lot better - formatting-wize at least.
Well, I agree a little bit with Hell. Your character really didn't come across as a believable person. And your plot was basic at best. You have to develop things out more before you write them. And even then you still have to wait and let things settle - not to mention proofreading time.
Don't abbreviate ranks. It doesn't look good and is very unprofessional. When writing, you want to sound as professional as you can. People will like your writing more, and your writing will be better whether they like it or not.

Yeah, on what Chuck said; reading good authors such as Clancy will really help you out. Just being exposed to well thought out plots, well written material, and proper techniques will inspire you and drive you to write better - that is if you desire to.
Reading all of the Halo books would really really really help you out too. It would set a good example for good writing, as well as fill you in on a lot of details that you are lacking.

Your other characters were described really briefly; like you wanted to get into their pasts all right there and move on to the next one. This is a bad thing. You want to get into a habit of dishing out a little bit at a time. Too much at one time and place is not a good thing at all.


Overall, I think you accidentally got ahead of yourself with that you were trying to describe. Things just didn't work as well as they should have. So, take up tha advice you are given, and work your very very hardest to improve as much as you can. Get to work, and be determined - else you will get no-where.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Mark Lieberg
Member


Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 3:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Helljumper is right. Totally read the books. Everything was a littl of balance. Dont worry. After you read the books you might get a sense of where your story is going.

Well one major thing that made me stop reading was that there are no M6-D Battla Rifle.

In the Halo story line there is the BR55 battle Rifle, or BR and the MA5B which is hardely used any more.

The M6-D i think you are refering too is the M6D Pistol. A previouse model before the M6C, which now sucks like hell in Halo 2.

Read the manuall and find out what the weapons are in The UNSC. And/Or read the Halo books. They will tell you a lot. Here is a halo library website if you need any more help.

It has a $h!t load of stuff about Halo. And some are inaccurate. But helpful like the books.

http://library.psyjnir.net/


Thanks. I really hope this website is great considering I got it from HBO..but i forgot where at. Well bye.


CODE
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Tormoil798
Member


Joined: 13 Jan 2005
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 3:57 am    Post subject: story Reply with quote

Pre-writing is your best friend. Make a messy outline that is not ordered this produces the best creativity. Then when you get into a formal environment you can order your genius into the way that makes the most sense. Vary your sentence length and structure you have way too many long sentences. You might want to try using real short stunners that are just enough to be a sentence. This keeps the reader interested and gives him the sense that he's completing more reading faster. By the way what Chuckles said makes no sense--sentence structure is part of style. Take it from me your literary style depends on your diction, detail, point of view (its fun to change this from third to first and sometimes if you have the balls change it to 2nd) your syntax and structure. I would say your diction is the biggest problem. "...holstered in his holster..." you definitely have more creativity than that. How about as basic as 'resting in his holster' or 'idle in his holster' or 'holstered in leather'. Nice imagination though just thicken the plot and add some suspense.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2005 7:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
This keeps the reader interested and gives him the sense that he's completing more reading faster. By the way what Chuckles said makes no sense

Have you been talking to my wife? She doesn't think that I make sense either Very Happy

Well, yes and no. While sentence structure does play a part in style, you can write in a certain style and still have incorrect and/or distracting sentence structure. On the other hand, you can have correct sentence structure and have a style that doesn't work for successful fanfiction. Or, to put it another way, he might get his sentence structure to a place where it flows, but still be aiming for a style that keeps the reader interested and pleases him.

Sentence structure does not equal style. It plays a part, but so do many other things.

C.T. Clown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group