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Vinny - A077

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 8:27 pm    Post subject: Vinny - A077 Reply with quote

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Vinny - A077
Posted by HaloFanatic2040 (Ensemble117Productions@hotmail.co.uk)
11 September 2010, 2:06 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=HaloFanatic20911100206221.html
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Mon Sep 20, 2010 10:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

(Warning: I am mildly cheesed off today and will be taking no prisoners.)

  1. You stole Phae's writing handle. (Perhaps this was unintentional, in which case, I can forgive it.)
  2. This is terrible. Truly, mind-numbingly, obscenely terrible. Allow me to demonstrate, Mister Speaker, examples of its terribleness:


EXHIBIT A:
Quote:
The Following Content is the character of Spartan Three, Service Tag Alpha Zero Seventy Seven who is to be Featured in the Upcoming Machinima Series "Spartan Three Tyrant Team" and also Includes a Short story.

Random and Inconsistent Capitalisation is Never good, and Makes the Author's Output look Unprofessional. (Formatting is also non-existent throughout.)

In addition, this cheap exposť method is lazy storytelling. The fact it's a character definition for a machinima is irrelevant: the author is welcome to make their machinima and write their short story, release them and let people tear into that. This is embarrassing.

EXHIBIT B:
Quote:
Vinny was an Alpha Company Spartan III That died During the Augmentation Process but was later revived Via the Spartan III "Invictus" Project.

Wrong.

No SPARTAN-IIIs died during the augmentation procedures. I could assume you meant SPARTAN-II, but then that brings up the fact there is no Alpha company of IIs.

EXHIBIT C:
Quote:
Vinny Was Born on Earth and was Born in England on the Date of 7th of May 2537 and he had shown all of the natural intellect that was required for induction into the program, he was an outcast to the 'Popular' Children at his School, and he just sat and ate his lunch or constantly Kicked his Grifball against the wall, he enjoyed the aftermath of fights, and because of this reason, he confronted one of his, bullies and beat him up,

I smell a Mary Sue.

This is a dim caricature of a person. He possesses massive physical prowess, and yet acts as a sociopath, and yet is also mysteriously bullied (despite keeping to himself) and shows "natural talent."

All this shows is that the character is unrealistically "special." I would hardly be surprised if the character was based upon the author, perhaps with a change of name or date of birth.

EXHIBIT D:
Quote:
he was put in a juvenile Prison facility and this is when Colonel James Ackerson approached him and asked him if he wished to join the fighting in the far way stars, which is when he said: "What will i get to kill?" which made Ackerson Laugh, Ackerson then Quietly Responded: "Everything".

This makes Vinny come across as a cunt.

The SPARTAN-IIIs were angry young men and women, yes, but there's no way they'd recruit a psychopath. You'd also need to be relatively good at working with... y'know, people.

EXHIBIT E:
Quote:
At Age 6 Vinny Arrived at the Spartan 3 Training Facility on Onyx He almost Immediately Made Friends with Ryan, As they Both Liked To Do things "Quietly" and they would become the most Bonded Of any of the Alpha Company, he was then after the Training Routines, put into the Tyrant Team, With Ryan, Oanez, Gregory, Joey, Isa and Ulriika.

This directly contradicts the previous paragraph.

To be quite frank, if a six-year-old speaks gleefully of wanting to "kill everything", they'd probably be put away in a mental asylum. Here, however, he immediately makes friends with a sociopath and ends up in a team incredibly quickly.

EXHIBIT F:
Quote:
Vinny was the Leader of Tyrant team and his Weapon of Choice was the MA37 Assault rifle, and he often used it during Operations and also Notably has Expertise in Using his combat knife.
He Wore Orange and Red Mjolnir Mark Five armour which was Exteremly Modified and Customized.


Weapon porn.

I don't give a flying fuck how much Vinny's armour was customised and modified, and neither do I care about how much he secretly wants to use his MA37 as a dildo (an MA37 means nothing to me - apart from "gun.")

I, and the majority of readers, care far more about the characters and the plot than what sort of weapons or armour a person is using. In this case, it's pointless fanwank.

(We're just getting started.)

Following this, the bulk of the story starts, in which Vinny punches the unnamed "Bully" to the ground, following which his teachers(!) rush him to a borstal, to see one "James Ackerson."

Vinny also seems to know a lot about the circumstances surrounding his father's death for a six-year-old. Aside from being a psychopath, Vinny can also remember words like "slipspace rupture" and "pod", although is careful to qualify any errors with clumsy wording such as "some planet when a Slipspace Rupture or something happened."

Then comes one of the most baffling parts of the narrative. Vinny, upon being offered a place on the Spartan programme by Col. Ackerson, pictures himself holding a MA37 assault rifle (as opposed to a "big metal thing"), just like his father did once when he came home from a mission.

Quite aside from the fact there's no way you'd be allowed to take an assault rifle home, let alone be holding it in one hand on the porch, this sentence paints Vinny as a psychopath. In short, this is an evil six-year-old.

I don't believe in original sin, and I think the painting of Vinny as a psychopath (also joining the S3 programme at an abnormally young age, if canon is anything to go by) goes wholly against one of the few well-thought out aspects of the Halo franchise: namely, the tragedy of the sacrifice of the Spartans' childhood innocence.

Consider the Master Chief. At the beginning of The Fall of Reach, we see him playing King of the Hill in a civilian school, around a month before he's conscripted. A month later, he's abducted and turned into a killing machine at the age of six.

I'm not going to deny that John shares at least some characteristics with Vinny: he's strong, a bit of a dark horse and, statistically speaking, probably in blood group O. The primary difference is that John is not Hannibal fucking Lecter.

He's so poorly defined, I don't even like Vinny as an anti-hero. He has zero charisma and the plot is also nonsensical. He is not nasty like Davros or Professor Moriarty, he is nasty like a turd left in a public convenience.

So, what the author has created here is an unlikeable psychopath. There is no plot, you'll get eye strain reading it, and it's guaranteed to reduce your IQ by a factor of 10.

In short, don't bother. To the author: I know this is offensive, I know it's rude, I know it's a desecration of your hard work, I know you probably hate me. I did not write this because I hate you, but because this piece was absolutely appalling.

My advice is to scrap this, completely, and start entirely from scratch. Pick up a book on creative writing from your local library, read it, and then start again. Things can only get better.
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The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
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