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Purgatorio

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 1:18 pm    Post subject: Purgatorio Reply with quote

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Purgatorio
Posted by Paul Shelley (Bzerker01@gmail.com)
7 September 2010, 7:39 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Paul_Shelley0907101939421.html
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Fri Sep 10, 2010 6:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've got a pretty solid submission here. I very much enjoyed the ambiguity and switching scenes, although it was a bit confusing at first. Excellent job not making it clear which was real, with only a real hint at the end. The song running throughout the narrative was an interesting touch and made things a bit more surreal, too.

Your prose could use a bit of work, though. There's nothing wrong with it and it gets things done, but it's just a tad boring. There's no real clear-cut way to improve on that besides just keeping on writing, and you'll start to fall into your own.

Good work. Wink
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bzerker01
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 3:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kr1 wrote:
You've got a pretty solid submission here. I very much
Your prose could use a bit of work, though. There's nothing wrong with it and it gets things done, but it's just a tad boring. There's no real clear-cut way to improve on that besides just keeping on writing, and you'll start to fall into your own.

Good work. Wink


So you are saying that I am a boring writer?
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sat Sep 11, 2010 9:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm saying that your prose needs work. The storyline is interesting, and you did a good job with atmosphere, but your prose itself needs some work. It's a little unexciting, but that's something that'll improve if you keep at it.

Littkle things go a long way towards improving this, A big help is the 'show, don't tell' rule that you might've heard before. There's a lot of cases where you write 'Josef did so-and-so', and after a while that gets really repetitive. Avoiding the formulaic 'noun did this' sentence structure goes a long way towards mixing things up.

The best thing you can do to improve your prose, like I said, is to keep writing. Maybe take a look at a style guide like The Elements of Style. It helps a lot with GPS, too, and in general making everything look more professional. Of course, don't follow all the rules there, use what you will at your discretion.
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