HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Mankinds Hope (Chapter 1)
Posted by Marshall Purewal (admiralprestoncole@hotmail.com)
15 December 2004, 4:47 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=marshall_pur.1215041647471.html

sam_fisha · Member Joined: 21 Dec 2004 Posts: 300 Location: A gutter

Eh, it was okay, kind of short but ok.

MasterSushi · Posted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 8:26 pm Post subject:

I've bookmarked this page and will review when I can read the stories. Hey Wado... me main man..... do you know why I can't read the stories sometimes?

MasterSushi · Posted: Tue Dec 21, 2004 8:36 pm Post subject:

While we wait here's a double-whammy.

Sushi's interesting word No. 4:

Sesquipedalian:
"a term for words so polysyllabic that they seem 'a foot and a half long' "

Sushi's interesting word No. 5:

Polysyllabic.

Chuckles · Posted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 2:39 pm Post subject:

You have a good imagination, but you are narrating your entire story. Each of your paragraphs could be chapters if you did less narrating. Readers have small patience for narration.

Your Kirov class ships have a lot of technology that, according to the game and the novels, the humans aren't even close to yet. The ships are too big (ten kilometers?!) they shoot plasma[?] and they have double shielding. That is quite a jump in technology for what amounts to only a few weeks.

Calm down your story's technological advances. If it gets too far beyond what is in the known Halo universe (like your Kirov ships) a lot of Halo faithful will tune you out, and worse, it will sound silly. Try narrating less, and showing more. When you write action or dialogue you are showing the reader your story, but when you narrate you are telling the reader your story. The former is exciting, while the latter can be grating. There is a time for narration but too much will drive off readers.

Keep practicing. Try reading good action writers (like Clancy and Ludlum) and see how they write. Believe me, it is a great help.

C.T. Clown

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Well, the first thing that my eyes caught onto was that you didn't use the Code. Always use coding. It makes things look better, more professional, and makes them easier to read.

Yeah, I noticed that Kirov thing right away. The first thing that got me was "at least 5 enemy cruisers". I'm sorry, but no way. Humans would have to have about a hundred years of full development [out of war conditions] to get that kind of thing accomplished; and as Chuck pointed out, you had these ships come out within weeks of when John got back with that intelligence.
And those Centurian fighter craft were off, too. All those generators/reactors? That is a lot of stuff to fit in a fighter. Maybe that would prove practical on a larger ship, but hell no on a ship the size of a fighter.
Part of this was a realism aspect. You wanted to make your new ships kick-ass, so that your battles would be more actiony, and everything would end up great on the Human's side. Well, people just won't by into that. It doesn't feel right at all.

Spell out numbers, too. It really takes away from flow and the good looks of a paragraph.
Watch that phrasing, too.

And watch describing those AIs. You have to know something about them to know how to make them without a lifespan. And that would not be the way to do it. I'm assumung that since you seem to know a good bit, you have read at least one of the books. Well, in one of them - I think it is tFoR, but there may also be some relative content in FS - it mentions the process of creation and how the things work. What you said would not cut it.

Yes; you really need to watch that narration. Narration only really works when from a person's PoV. But, when you do it the way you did it sounds like you are explaining it all to us, instead of describing it with good details.
Also, watch your dialogue. Make sure to add some personality and info on the characters in there so that things seem real and like it is all nost just a script.

Further, your plot does not take place in the right time frame. The arrival of John in the Forerunner ship was not over a month after the events of the first game. Not by a long shot. Keep an eye out for such large details.

Overall, it was okay, but you have a lot of work to do. Improve yourself with the advice you are given, and work your hardest to build up your story and your skills - simutaniously. Good luck.
_________________
-MCC