HBO Fan Fiction

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Urban Warfare Ch. 8: Wait, It Gets Worse!
Posted by hunter_that_dances (industrial.avatar@gmail.com)
15 December 2004, 5:43 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=hunter_that_.1215040543198.html

[Chuckles]

Hey, HTD, good to see you post a story. Hope you continue to find time, between the schoolwork.

You have an easy, flowing style of writing. That said, I can tell that you rushed this a bit. Your dialogue is extremely brief, and you do a lot of narration. While some of your dialogue is good, some of it (especially with the Elite at the end) seemed truncated and very unlikely. The fact that you had so many page breaks in such a short chapter shows just how abbreviated and rushed it was.

You might think about re-writing this chapter when you can spend more time on it. You are a good writer, and this doesn't do you justice. Regardless, it is good to see you around, and I hope to see more from you soon.

C.T. Clown

[SYSTEM]

Hey Hunter!

Did you get your new guitar yet? Did you head to the shop?


It's good to see you're back again, and looking fine at that.

I cannot see your story due to an unforseen browser glitch, but I'll write the URL down and I'll come back to it tomorrow if the internet works again.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[hunter_that_dances]

yea, i had that glitch before too. Anyways, thanks for the tip Chuckles. I wanted to get this chapter out ASAP to get some comments, but looks like the flypaper was put in the wrong place, if ya know what I mean.

[Commander Demitri Wolf]

aside from the rushedness of this it was good, next time slow down a bit

[OpeningAct]

Details, details, details HTD. You'll find the more you add the better your story becomes and the longer it becomes as well. But be careful not to add to much or it will become boring drabble - you have to get the fine line. Other than that it was good, but like Chuckles said it doesn't do you justice. I'm not suggesting a re-write, just improve for the next part.

[SYSTEM]

Some issues around the action areas, the classic, "And killed it instantly."

Was that intentional, or did you hit a writer's block?

Interesting, the classic quote at the end, "Payback." I love that line.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[MC's Cousin]

Wow. When I looked through this in a glance, I honestly was kinda surprised. There were so many breaks, and so little between them.
Yeah, I will ask the same question: did you get writers block?
I know that you are better than this. I suppose that school work really rusted you up good.

Oh well, time for cleaning it up.
Spell out numbers. It looks a lot cleaner, and reads a lot better, too.
It was all really jerky; mainly because you jumped around too much. You weren't in one place long enough to really develop it, so I couldn't stay with anything. Add more detail in there. Meat, we all want some good juicy meat. And you just gave us some scraps. Spice things up a bit, describe more. It has been a while since your last post to this series, and you said you had made some changes; that gives you a good opportunity to remind us of some of your larger details - espcially with your characters.
Speakg of that - one thing you could have done to drastically lenghtened things would have been to go into the characters minds a bit more. You could have described what Pierce was thinking, or what was going through the Elite's head. All sorts of juciy information that would have not only furthered our understanding, but given us more quality stuff to read.
Your dialogue was kinda... off, ubelievable, stark. It just sounded like you put down the basics, like your characters knew exactly what was going on, and instantly had a certain plan. It just didn't come across as convincing or realistic. Put some emotion in there.

Watch those small mistakes, too. It did seem like you had rushed this, thus leaving out a lot, and missing a lot of mistakes. Next time, let this sit and simmer in your mind a bit, besides letting it sit on your comp.
Proofread more, and get your story down.


Overall, it was an okay addition, but I know you can do better. So, just work on smoothing those rinkles out, and start improving things from there.
_________________
-MCC