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The Taking of the Midsummer Night - part 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:18 pm    Post subject: The Taking of the Midsummer Night - part 1 Reply with quote
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The Taking of the Midsummer Night - part 1
Posted by kr142616 (kr142616@aim.com)
2 July 2010, 2:41 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kr1426160702100241091.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Quote:
Malcolm opened a connection to the 'pad:

the AI asked, the text flashing inconspicuously across Lash's screen, next to the Sigma Octanus orbital traffic control feed.


Did you forget text? Regardless, you forgot to capitalize the t in the.

That's the only problem I saw. Great job.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 2:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Oh God dammit. I'd put the text in brackets to make it clear there wasn't audible speaking, but it all got removed from that last bit. Here's what it should read:

Quote:
Malcolm's avatar had disappeared from the tac map, but he still devoted his attention to the bridge. He watched the captain resume his seat at the command chair and say a few words to Wright before taking up a datapad.

Malcolm opened a connection to the 'pad:

<<Commander, am I understanding you correctly?>> the AI asked, the text flashing inconspicuously across Lash's screen, next to the Sigma Octanus orbital traffic control feed.

<<You are. Take my ship back.>>

If he'd still had a visible avatar, Malcolm would have smiled. <<With pleasure. Who of Bravo Company shall I decant first?>>

Malcolm observed Lash sitting in thought for a moment. <<Bisenti is loyal, as well as Cardor. I'll trust your judgment on the rest.>>

<<As you will, captain. The Night will be yours again shortly.>>

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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 9:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Good stuff here, kr, you did a great job integrating this into the rest of the WOWO universe, and it's understandable enough to read as a standalone story. Smile
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
This was good, kr. It was fast paced and full of intrigue. I only worry that perhaps this was a little too fast paced. I never really got a handle on either the characters or the machinations, and therefore the revelations and double crossings didn't carry as much weight as they otherwise might have. I definitely could have used a little more context.

That said, this is only an introductory chapter, and I expect more to be fleshed out in future. You certainly have a lot of interesting pieces here: I look forward to seeing how they all come together.

- Arthur
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kr1
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 6:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Arthur Wellesley wrote:
This was good, kr. It was fast paced and full of intrigue. I only worry that perhaps this was a little too fast paced. I never really got a handle on either the characters or the machinations, and therefore the revelations and double crossings didn't carry as much weight as they otherwise might have. I definitely could have used a little more context.

That said, this is only an introductory chapter, and I expect more to be fleshed out in future. You certainly have a lot of interesting pieces here: I look forward to seeing how they all come together.


There's actually a reason to that that I forgot to make clear. This is a companion piece to this chapter of Jake's What Once Was Ours. I'm intending it to be a two-parter, and really, fully explaining all the background behind the intrigue in such a short timespan would drag the pace almost to a standstill. You're right that I could develop the characters a bit more, though, I did let that slip a bit to the wayside.

Glad you liked it despite the lack of context, though. Razz
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