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Red Skies-Part One

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 18, 2010 10:35 am    Post subject: Red Skies-Part One Reply with quote

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Red Skies-Part One
Posted by KkilljoyGruntT (survivorrepublic@aol.com)
13 June 2010, 2:48 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=KkilljoyGrun0613100248061.html
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Spartan006
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Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.

PostPosted: Tue Jun 22, 2010 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Goodness I haven't been on here in ages! Killjoy, you did okay on this one, but there were a couple things you could work on. Your characters seemed a bit childish. I got what you were wanting them to be like, but it needs a little work; you can have that same feeling while still making your characters more mature. That's the major problem I had with your story, so fix that and you'll be doing pretty good. Another thing I noticed were the (I will call them) "sound effects". Instead of typing the sound out, try describing what sound is being made, explain what is making the sound, or something along those lines. This looks interesting, Killjoy, if you work on it your next one should be great.
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