HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

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Red Skies-Part One
Posted by KkilljoyGruntT (survivorrepublic@aol.com)
13 June 2010, 2:48 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=KkilljoyGrun0613100248061.html

Spartan006 · Posted: Tue Jun 22, 2010 5:25 pm Post subject:

Goodness I haven't been on here in ages! Killjoy, you did okay on this one, but there were a couple things you could work on. Your characters seemed a bit childish. I got what you were wanting them to be like, but it needs a little work; you can have that same feeling while still making your characters more mature. That's the major problem I had with your story, so fix that and you'll be doing pretty good. Another thing I noticed were the (I will call them) "sound effects". Instead of typing the sound out, try describing what sound is being made, explain what is making the sound, or something along those lines. This looks interesting, Killjoy, if you work on it your next one should be great.
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