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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 3:54 pm    Post subject: Blake Reply with quote

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Posted by ShroudedCloud (
10 June 2010, 6:45 pm
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Sun Jun 13, 2010 2:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This story won second place in this week's Fic Pick.
The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
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The Meep

Joined: 24 Mar 2006
Posts: 79
Location: Auburn, Maine E-mail me if there are any nearby LANs

PostPosted: Tue Jun 15, 2010 4:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think it's time this story got a proper comment.

Let's see here... Blake's got issues. You brought elements not found in Halo into Halo lore, and worked them in really well. I liked-- no, loved the imagery in here. Use of terms like "viscera" and well placed metaphors (analogizing alcohol to poison) give this story a very... abstract feel. It makes you feel like you're in Blake's mind, not hovering nearby and watching him as he goes through the story.

On the other hand, it's a tough line to walk. Being too abstract can make the narrative fuzzy. For instance, the battle where Blake is captured and then saved by a Spartan has some nice imagery, but its flow is really choppy: start, stop, cut, time-jump, and so on. You start one conflict and then move on to the next too quickly, forcing the reader to change their perspective in the story and thus breaking their immersion. If you make the narrative flow smoothly - making one event realistically segue into the next without (unnecessary) interruption - you can keep the reader's mind in the story.

I like to use an analogy: imagine the narrative as a railroad track. If the rails are level and straight, one metal beam flowing uninterrupted into the next, a train will glide over the rails smoothly, making for a comfortable ride. However, if there are gaps and interruptions between the rails, the train will bump and jolt, making the ride thoroughly less enjoyable.

On the other other hand, in that same scene, you conveyed a sense of where the Covenant base was located without explicitly saying "It's on a moon." You mentioned that the ODST's "floated" down to the base, which implies a low gravity environment. This is a perfect example of "Show, Don't Tell" done right. Instead of just telling...

"The Covie base was on a moon." implied that fact and advanced the story and added atmosphere by showing. See what I mean?

Overall, a great story, and one I personally think should have made Fic Pic of the Week, TBH.

Some pointers...
- Touch up on your Grammer/Punctuation/Spelling; thoroughly spellcheck and edit your piece
- Mix up your sentences a bit. Use ";" and ":" and "- -" more often. Write one long descriptive sentence, then follow it up right away with a short, directed sentence. Pace the reader with your punctuation. eb was on to something here
- Work on the flow, but keep that abstract feel. Not many people can write a third person limited like that; putting the reader into the mind of the character, even if that mind is an unreliable narrator. Just remember: make the story flow smoothly.
- Use line breaks to split up scene/time changes better. The code is [hr]

Also, fantastic ending. I mean, wow. That's one of the best closers I've ever seen. *shudder*
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