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Noble Team: Origins (Part 4)

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 11, 2010 3:54 pm    Post subject: Noble Team: Origins (Part 4) Reply with quote

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Noble Team: Origins (Part 4)
Posted by Flugel Meister (
9 June 2010, 8:31 pm
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Arthur Wellesley

Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 1:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This review is for the series thus far.

First, to get it out of the way, I'll just say that you shouldn't include multiple entries in a single week. Either combine them in a single entry, or split them up over weeks. While I realize that you've had problems and delays in getting these stories up, I mention it for future reference.

To the story itself: I thought it was quite good. I was a little apprehensive at first, since Spartan-based action pieces are relatively common, but you showed a very deft touch here. The scene where the active camo elites pass the active camo Spartans had genuine tension to it. You showed restraint in not delving into an action scene, and it really paid off. That was a great scene.

The reveal of the forerunner ruins wasn't a great surprise, as it's another common fan fiction convention, but the Pelican twist was excellent, again showing you can make some old ideas feel fresh. Even without this addition, the scene was well described and effective. I'm curious as to where you'll take it.

A few problems, though: your protagonists are a bit shallow, character-wise, which is a common flaw to almost all Spartan-based fics. I'm not sure how one would fix this, but as it is, I'm not sure I really care about either of them. Also, their back-and-forth sometimes seemed frivolous, when I don't think it was supposed to be. For instance:

"Maybe so, but strictly speaking it's not a...--"


"Do you hear that?" Jen said.

"Hear what?"

"That noise."

Jake sighed. "Obviously not, or I wouldn't be asking."

"It's coming from up there."

I don't really picture Spartans talking like that, wasting so much time when a treat was near.

Anyway, it's a great start. This looks like it's your first extended foray here at HBOFF, so welcome to the community. I hope you stick around.

- Arthur
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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