HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

The Captains Fate, and the UNSC Frozenburg
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Wed Dec 15, 2004 1:10 am    Post subject: The Captains Fate, and the UNSC Frozenburg Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Captains Fate, and the UNSC Frozenburg
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
14 December 2004, 9:02 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.1214040902524.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kingcodez
Member


Joined: 15 Dec 2004
Posts: 8

PostPosted: Wed Dec 15, 2004 8:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Small SPelling mistakes during the end but It was great. I like the No Spartan? Thing. Seemed a little rushed, could use more explaining. You have a great Idea and you should run with it.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Phædrus
Member


Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2004 9:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is pretty good. Much better than some of your other stories that I've read. You've improved a lot. There were some spelling and grammatical errors, but otherwise it was good. The captain's speech seemed a bit... off... though. It doesn't seem like something a real person would say. Otherwise, you've got a good plot going, you had decent detail, and - as far as I could tell - your technical terms were correct.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address MSN Messenger
Mark Lieberg
Member


Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 10:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comment. I wil write the next chaper tomoarw. I hope more people read this Fiction i had made. Thanks. Bye. Ohh

Plus thanks Halo Fan natic for the comment. Made me feel more at welcome. But i also notices you are new to this web site. So work hard and people will start to read you stuff like mine. Thanks Bye.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, Mark, A Halo Fan...natic joined two months before you did here.

Yeah, watch those small spelling errors. You said "threw" instead of "through" in one spot; and "to" instead of ", too" in another. So, just proofread a little bit more, and get things worked out better.
Also, watch your capitlization. "Asses" would not be capped.
Check your punctuation, too. There were spots that it was off; where it just didn't make all that much sense to me.

The whole story sounded like you were eager to get it posted, but in that eagerness, you rushed through the writing process and did not properly develop things, nor did you go through it after typing it. Don't do that. Give a story the time and care it deserves.

I also thought that what your Captain said was a tad unbelievable. Not what he said, just how he said it. It was more like an AI than a real Human being. Just didn't sound right.
Part of it was that you tried to give the situation an emotional feel, but it just didn't get there. We simply didn't know all that much about the characters, and you didn't describe people's reactions and feelings enough to set a sad tone to the moment.

Watch those ranks. If I am correct, only Airforce has Technical Sergeants. And, as of yet, we haven't seen any Airforce jocks.


Overall, you have gotten better, but still, you have a ways to go. Did you think it would be that easy? Use the advice you are given, and work to the best of your abilities to improve more and more. Have fun.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Mark Lieberg
Member


Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 10:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah. Wel the technical sergeant i know is in the air force. But since i thought those pilots were air force i just thought to put something in it different. Well actually i proffread it, for at least 10 minutes before i posted it. I must of dossed off a little bit. But my friend saw that Though thing also. I was like, "wtf" Because i wanted it this time to be perfect. I will work harder. Well thanks. Good BYe.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 11:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I remember someone else using the whole Air Force thing. I believe it was Mind_Affecting_Parasite, but I'm not sure. He got corrected on it because all the pilots that we see are Navy. Of course, you could have a Marine pilot, but, I would stick to what - or rather who - we already know flies stuff.
You never know; maybe in the UNs struggle to spend less money and have more unified stuff, there is not only the Navy and Marines. One to provide transportation and major air power, and the other to be ground pounders.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Mark Lieberg
Member


Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 5:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks. Dave? If you read this story? What you think of it? Have i improved. Yes I also know about the gammers. But what is teh four notch thing. PM me will ya? Thanks.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
ThatOneGuy2
Member


Joined: 18 Dec 2004
Posts: 1
Location: IL.

PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Keep'em coming Exclamation
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 6:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Mark,

You've broken through your writing plateau. You're doing well. A few speedbumps here, a few type-o's there, but for the most part, since I know what you're getting at, they can be discounted.

You're improving very quickly. Your progress has been incredible.

- Dave.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Mark Lieberg
Member


Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2004 12:47 am    Post subject: asfd Reply with quote

Thanks Dave. Well. I am sorry, but i didnt work on the next chapter for the last two days. I have been watching Star Wars, and all that. I love it. Great story for Star Wars. Anyways. The Next Chapter i will think of will be called, Hmmm.

Well I dont really know. All I will say is that it will start with the End of Captain Pearl Williamson, and the destruction of the Frozenburg.

And they wont be leaving for a long time.

Since this is winter break for me, i will work on the next chapter tomaorw considering that the next batch I presume is already done and I have to wait for my stuff to be POsted. Well thanks for reading. I will re read the next one five times till i get it right. And make my friend read it also. Thanks Bye bye.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Phædrus
Member


Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2004 7:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Actually, Mark, A Halo Fan...natic joined two months before you did.

I actually started posting before then. Only... those two stories sucked dead gophers... Don't read them. I mean it. If you do, I will come after you with my M90 shotgun. With explosive shells.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address MSN Messenger
Phædrus
Member


Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2004 11:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Scratch that. I will come after you with the Plasma Sword of Plasma Swordiness!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address MSN Messenger
Mark Lieberg
Member


Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 12:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

LOL. Well i posted my other one. But after i read it. I dont think there was any mistakes. I hope you like it. The title is called.

Position unknown, Out Numbered, and Warm Reception

Read it please.
But it might be a little speedy. I will watdch out for chapter 6 though. I hope this goes on forever like 343 Salty beans. By the way? Where is he. He had great fan fics a while back.


Ohh. Halo Fanatic. I will defend my self with my precious M19 SSM Jackhammer Rocket Launcher by my side, and a BR55. HEHEHEHE.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Phædrus
Member


Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California

PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 1:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Halo Fan...natic: Hmmm... That sure does suck.

Mark Lieberg: You have no idea.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group