HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Captains Fate, and the UNSC Frozenburg
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
14 December 2004, 9:02 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mark_lieberg.1214040902524.html

Kingcodez · Member Joined: 15 Dec 2004 Posts: 8

Small SPelling mistakes during the end but It was great. I like the No Spartan? Thing. Seemed a little rushed, could use more explaining. You have a great Idea and you should run with it.

Phædrus · Posted: Thu Dec 16, 2004 9:18 pm Post subject:

This is pretty good. Much better than some of your other stories that I've read. You've improved a lot. There were some spelling and grammatical errors, but otherwise it was good. The captain's speech seemed a bit... off... though. It doesn't seem like something a real person would say. Otherwise, you've got a good plot going, you had decent detail, and - as far as I could tell - your technical terms were correct.

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 10:45 am Post subject:

Thanks for the comment. I wil write the next chaper tomoarw. I hope more people read this Fiction i had made. Thanks. Bye. Ohh

Plus thanks Halo Fan natic for the comment. Made me feel more at welcome. But i also notices you are new to this web site. So work hard and people will start to read you stuff like mine. Thanks Bye.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Actually, Mark, A Halo Fan...natic joined two months before you did here.

Yeah, watch those small spelling errors. You said "threw" instead of "through" in one spot; and "to" instead of ", too" in another. So, just proofread a little bit more, and get things worked out better.
Also, watch your capitlization. "Asses" would not be capped.
Check your punctuation, too. There were spots that it was off; where it just didn't make all that much sense to me.

The whole story sounded like you were eager to get it posted, but in that eagerness, you rushed through the writing process and did not properly develop things, nor did you go through it after typing it. Don't do that. Give a story the time and care it deserves.

I also thought that what your Captain said was a tad unbelievable. Not what he said, just how he said it. It was more like an AI than a real Human being. Just didn't sound right.
Part of it was that you tried to give the situation an emotional feel, but it just didn't get there. We simply didn't know all that much about the characters, and you didn't describe people's reactions and feelings enough to set a sad tone to the moment.

Watch those ranks. If I am correct, only Airforce has Technical Sergeants. And, as of yet, we haven't seen any Airforce jocks.

Overall, you have gotten better, but still, you have a ways to go. Did you think it would be that easy? Use the advice you are given, and work to the best of your abilities to improve more and more. Have fun.
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-MCC

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Fri Dec 17, 2004 10:51 pm Post subject:

Yeah. Wel the technical sergeant i know is in the air force. But since i thought those pilots were air force i just thought to put something in it different. Well actually i proffread it, for at least 10 minutes before i posted it. I must of dossed off a little bit. But my friend saw that Though thing also. I was like, "wtf" Because i wanted it this time to be perfect. I will work harder. Well thanks. Good BYe.
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I remember someone else using the whole Air Force thing. I believe it was Mind_Affecting_Parasite, but I'm not sure. He got corrected on it because all the pilots that we see are Navy. Of course, you could have a Marine pilot, but, I would stick to what - or rather who - we already know flies stuff.
You never know; maybe in the UNs struggle to spend less money and have more unified stuff, there is not only the Navy and Marines. One to provide transportation and major air power, and the other to be ground pounders.
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-MCC

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 5:47 am Post subject:

Thanks. Dave? If you read this story? What you think of it? Have i improved. Yes I also know about the gammers. But what is teh four notch thing. PM me will ya? Thanks.
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

ThatOneGuy2 · Member Joined: 18 Dec 2004 Posts: 1 Location: IL.

Keep'em coming Exclamation

SYSTEM · Posted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 6:00 pm Post subject:

Thanks Mark,

You've broken through your writing plateau. You're doing well. A few speedbumps here, a few type-o's there, but for the most part, since I know what you're getting at, they can be discounted.

You're improving very quickly. Your progress has been incredible.

- Dave.

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2004 12:47 am Post subject: asfd

Thanks Dave. Well. I am sorry, but i didnt work on the next chapter for the last two days. I have been watching Star Wars, and all that. I love it. Great story for Star Wars. Anyways. The Next Chapter i will think of will be called, Hmmm.

Well I dont really know. All I will say is that it will start with the End of Captain Pearl Williamson, and the destruction of the Frozenburg.

And they wont be leaving for a long time.

Since this is winter break for me, i will work on the next chapter tomaorw considering that the next batch I presume is already done and I have to wait for my stuff to be POsted. Well thanks for reading. I will re read the next one five times till i get it right. And make my friend read it also. Thanks Bye bye.
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Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

Phædrus · Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2004 7:22 pm Post subject:

Phædrus · Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2004 11:55 pm Post subject:

Scratch that. I will come after you with the Plasma Sword of Plasma Swordiness!

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 12:21 am Post subject:

LOL. Well i posted my other one. But after i read it. I dont think there was any mistakes. I hope you like it. The title is called.

Position unknown, Out Numbered, and Warm Reception

Read it please.
But it might be a little speedy. I will watdch out for chapter 6 though. I hope this goes on forever like 343 Salty beans. By the way? Where is he. He had great fan fics a while back.

Ohh. Halo Fanatic. I will defend my self with my precious M19 SSM Jackhammer Rocket Launcher by my side, and a BR55. HEHEHEHE.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

Phædrus · Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 1:37 am Post subject:

A Halo Fan...natic: Hmmm... That sure does suck.

Mark Lieberg: You have no idea.