HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Noble Team: Origins (Part 1)
Posted by Flugel Meister (flugel_mcdougall@hotmail.co.uk)
27 May 2010, 1:14 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Flugel_Meist0527101314131.html

The Meep · Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 9:24 pm Post subject:

Well, Flugel, I got good news and bad news.

Good news:
- Solid writing
- Good sentence variety
- Nice commentary and perspective
- It works into the fiction well, and you made a believable character out of Jen.
- Clever use of situations and descriptions got a few chuckles out of me (Jen likes shoes!)
- Awesome use of details, especially describing the plumes of smoke rising from the ruined city and the inside of a drop pod hurtling towards the ground.
- An overall solid prologue, providing a nice foundation for the main story to launch off of.

Bad news:
- I want more of this story. Now. Why is this bad? Because I'm sad, that's why.

flugelmeister · Posted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 6:36 pm Post subject: Nobel Team: Origins

Thanks for the review, Meep. Part 2 will be up as soon as it's approved.
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Tis not fear that grips him. Only a heightened sense of things.

flugelmeister · Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 7:17 am Post subject:

Still waiting for that approval...
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Tis not fear that grips him. Only a heightened sense of things.

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 2:40 pm Post subject:

The updates come through every Friday.

And I agree with Meep's review: You used details strategetically, not overwhealmingly, and your writing is sound. All in all, a great start.
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

Shurmanator · Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 7:13 pm Post subject:

Well everything that I can say about this story has been said already... so I'll just leave you with "very well done, keep it up."

Welcome to the sandbox, at any rate. With writing like this, you will do well here.
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Modern Machiavelli.

kr1 · Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 8:17 pm Post subject:

I just gave this a skim and not a proper read a week ago, but what I saw impressed me. I'll try to give you a real review in a day or so. But being a fic about the latest game, I was fully expecting this to be fanwank crap. So kudos. Razz

It did, however, seem awfully short. You've got good enough writing ability to hold our attention for longer than that, and we'll appreciate longer chapters. Wink

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flugelmeister · Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 8:39 pm Post subject:

Thanks, everyone. I've submitted another two parts. So that's three parts in total to look forward to, if they are all approved that is.
_________________
Tis not fear that grips him. Only a heightened sense of things.

kr1 · Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:00 pm Post subject:

Alright, so my quick impression mirrors my impression after a full read. I've only one small complaint. Having Jake and Jen be twins, as well as having them be better than Headhunters, the supposed best of the best of the SIIIs, has your OCs straying a bit into Mary Sue territory. You're fine for now, but those two are warning signs, and you just might want to watch out.

Anyways, good work again.
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Harbringer352 · Member Joined: 04 Jan 2010 Posts: 52

I like your name, it's fun to say.

On to the story.

I really did like this. Nice descriptions without dropping the imagery bomb, points to the Meister. But I have to agree with the others... a little too short. Looking forward to your next installment!