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Noble Team: Origins (Part 1)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri May 28, 2010 12:55 pm    Post subject: Noble Team: Origins (Part 1) Reply with quote

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Noble Team: Origins (Part 1)
Posted by Flugel Meister (flugel_mcdougall@hotmail.co.uk)
27 May 2010, 1:14 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Flugel_Meist0527101314131.html
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The Meep
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Location: Auburn, Maine E-mail me if there are any nearby LANs

PostPosted: Fri May 28, 2010 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, Flugel, I got good news and bad news.

Good news:
- Solid writing
- Good sentence variety
- Nice commentary and perspective
- It works into the fiction well, and you made a believable character out of Jen.
- Clever use of situations and descriptions got a few chuckles out of me (Jen likes shoes!)
- Awesome use of details, especially describing the plumes of smoke rising from the ruined city and the inside of a drop pod hurtling towards the ground.
- An overall solid prologue, providing a nice foundation for the main story to launch off of.

Bad news:
- I want more of this story. Now. Why is this bad? Because I'm sad, that's why.
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flugelmeister
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 04, 2010 6:36 pm    Post subject: Nobel Team: Origins Reply with quote

Thanks for the review, Meep. Part 2 will be up as soon as it's approved.
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flugelmeister
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 7:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Still waiting for that approval...
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 2:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The updates come through every Friday.

And I agree with Meep's review: You used details strategetically, not overwhealmingly, and your writing is sound. All in all, a great start.
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Shurmanator
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well everything that I can say about this story has been said already... so I'll just leave you with "very well done, keep it up."

Welcome to the sandbox, at any rate. With writing like this, you will do well here.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 8:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just gave this a skim and not a proper read a week ago, but what I saw impressed me. I'll try to give you a real review in a day or so. But being a fic about the latest game, I was fully expecting this to be fanwank crap. So kudos. Razz

It did, however, seem awfully short. You've got good enough writing ability to hold our attention for longer than that, and we'll appreciate longer chapters. Wink
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flugelmeister
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 8:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, everyone. I've submitted another two parts. So that's three parts in total to look forward to, if they are all approved that is.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, so my quick impression mirrors my impression after a full read. I've only one small complaint. Having Jake and Jen be twins, as well as having them be better than Headhunters, the supposed best of the best of the SIIIs, has your OCs straying a bit into Mary Sue territory. You're fine for now, but those two are warning signs, and you just might want to watch out.

Anyways, good work again.
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Harbringer352
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Joined: 04 Jan 2010
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like your name, it's fun to say.

On to the story.

I really did like this. Nice descriptions without dropping the imagery bomb, points to the Meister. But I have to agree with the others... a little too short. Looking forward to your next installment!
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