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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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baneofdeath
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Joined: 30 Apr 2008
Posts: 39
Location: If i tell you will you promise not to come to my house and rape me?
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 Posted: Sat May 15, 2010 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | So they waited there, time ticking away until the doors would open.
But a shockwave ripped through the corridor. An explosive tore the steel doors away from the corridor, bending back panels and knocking out electrical systems. Small fires now lit the hallway as those still conscious tried to get their bearings. Sanderson looked around, trying to hear anything, but all she could feel was the blood running from her ears. Flashes of light erupted in the dust that remained unsettled from the blast, but no sound. She grabbed the side of the barricade, pulling herself up. The marine next to her got hit. She got to her knees, shouldering her rifle. Lights flickered down the corridor, creating brief glimpses of the 'fugees that slugged forward down the hall. Several marines had clicked on the lights on their barrels, trying to pick their shots with their flashlights.
Sanderson wiped the blood from the sides of her face and began firing, lighting the corridor with her muzzle flashes. A grenade took off several panels from the ceiling, rocking them further. The doors to the bridge opened, a fire team of ODSTs bursting through, spraying M/7s as they made their way past the barricade and down the corridor. Sanderson ducked down, letting them do their work. She looked as the doors opened again, the admiral stepping out, wielding an M6. She realized who he was that instant. That name, from the mountain. |
I had to read through that part several times, it happened a bit too fast.
Otherwise, i thought this was well written, even if it felt a bit rushed at times.
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
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| Posted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 6:52 am Post subject: |
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I've never followed your series closely here, but it's always been consistently well-written, and you get points for keeping it up. It's been long-running. I have a bit of the same criticism as bane, though. This was good, but everything seemed to happen a bit too quickly. It could've stood to have been a bit longer. And I wasn't too sure of the context, but that's my fault for not keeping up.
Nice work, though.
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