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Halo: A New Spartan

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri May 14, 2010 2:56 pm    Post subject: Halo: A New Spartan Reply with quote

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Halo: A New Spartan
Posted by George3222 (fatguy_500@yahoo.com)
14 May 2010, 4:00 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=George32220514100400451.html
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baneofdeath
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Location: If i tell you will you promise not to come to my house and rape me?

PostPosted: Sat May 15, 2010 8:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I sure hope you arent intending to have Kyle become a spartan.

I'm going to stop you right here and let ya know a few things. Spartans are taken from a young enough age so that when they are trained, they know nothing but war. Military, combat, tactics. That stuff becomes ingrained into their mind. Spartan candidates will Never be chosen to become spartans if they are over the age of 8. Most of he spartan IIs were about 6 i believe, some of the Spartan IIIs were around the age of 4. Consequently, they are machines of war, the only known spartan to make a extra effort to make friends, was Kurt. He sorta bordered on the edge of Mary Sue.

This brings me to my second point. Your story so far has mentioned two girls, both of which are fond of your main character. He also appears to be exeptionally nice, and very strong and athletic. He is also feared by bullies, and loved by the little guy. Oh, and hes also borderline famous, at a lvl of playing where people arent prone to getting national attention. Your character has no noteworthy pitfalls, and your story is very short and contains very little elements of conflict.

I can see where this story is going. I'm telling you, having this kid becoming a spartan mgiht seem fun; but it will be nearly impossible to write out without playing it out as Cliche (His friend dies) or unrealistic (Mendez is impressed when Mr. Mary Sue holds his own in hand to hand combat with a spartan who has trained his entire life to kill people.

The last concern i have is for your pacing and detail. Your story is a skeleton, you are telling us what is happening. Telling the plot is fine if you are planning, but when it comes to writing, you have to show us your characters feelings.

Quote:
Example:
Telling: Erik was nervous because he was about to take a test he did not study for.

Showing: Erik's forehead moistened with sweat, his stomach was alive with butterflies as the teacher passed out the test. For a moment he sank his face into his hands, feeling the pangs of regret lash through his mind. The teacher placed the thin sheet of white paper on his desk. He looked over the questions, and knew he should have studied.


Granted that is not the best job, but you need to slow the writing down. I actually had to stop for a few moments and read over the lines again. Fleshing out your characters feelings in the form of actions and reactions will also take care of slowing the pace of the story down, as well as giving us a better look into your character and relate to him. No one can relate to a perfect character, because as humans, we are all flawed. Get him into a fight he cant win, have a girl reject him, have him fail a test he studied all night for.

Another option, if you are open to it, is to have your volunteer for the ODSTs, if he is indeed smart fast, strong, and daring, then jumping out of a UNSC capitol ship into a heavy combat zone is going to be perfect for him.

In closing, if you are heading down the road i think you are, then the plot wont hold. The UNSC isnt desparate enough to randomly implant some strong guy with agumentations, becuase they dont even know if the genetics are all there. They wont give you a powered suit of armor because only those with the Agumentations are able to survive using it. Your pacing and character development need work, and you need some practice.

I dont want you to get discouraged, we all could use some work (especially me Smile ) youve got some great people on this site to help you so just keep going!
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