HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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A Review With Catherine Halsey
Posted by Harbringer352 (nank4@digitalpath.net)
29 April 2010, 11:03 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Harbringer350429102303371.html

[Harbringer352]

GREAT SCOTT, this is what happens when I write stories after Finals. My brain resorts to endless feedback loops. Ergo, I used the wrong whatsit of 'there'.

[Shurmanator]

Catching your own mistake. Win point.

>>>>Full review enclosed.
The perspective of the story flowed very well. It stayed in first person, but you gave a good idea of what the other characters were thinking through description and such. Memoir style. I like it. Also, the ending was nailed perfectly with that little exchange between Cortana and Halsey, great job.
Some brief criticism... Cortana's speech at the end was a bit rushed and choppy, which through me off a bit. I'm guessing there was a couple of GPS errors, even though I didn't see any.
There are ALWAYS GPS errors. Unless you're Captain Raspberry.

Overall, very clever idea, and well thought out.
_________________
Modern Machiavelli.

[Harbringer352]

Ha, thanks. Thanks for reviewing.

[Arthur Wellesley]

This was very good, Harbringer. This is your first piece I’ve read, and I’m impressed with your style. It has great pacing, some nice description, and a deft integration of dialogue. You did a great job with the first person perspective as well, which can sometimes be tricky. Your readable style is definitely well suited to a piece of considerably greater length and complexity.

Which brings me to this story’s shortcomings. It treads very familiar ground and does not explore anything new. Also, while your characterization of Halsey was quite good and consistent with the canon, your portrayal of Cristoph was lacking. He was a bit of a caricature: too easily thrown off, too easily excited, too easily fooled.

As a showcase for your writing style, and as practice for greater things, this worked well. It does not stand very well on its own, however. I look forward to seeing what you come up with next.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017

[Harbringer352]

Thank you for reading this, Arthur. I appreciate your feedback. I've worked on my dialogue, descriptions (the excessive amounts of it), and storyline, but I've never checked out my OCs. Thank you for pointing this out!