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A Review With Catherine Halsey

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 30, 2010 11:51 am    Post subject: A Review With Catherine Halsey Reply with quote

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A Review With Catherine Halsey
Posted by Harbringer352 (nank4@digitalpath.net)
29 April 2010, 11:03 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Harbringer350429102303371.html
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Harbringer352
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Joined: 04 Jan 2010
Posts: 52

PostPosted: Sat May 01, 2010 3:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

GREAT SCOTT, this is what happens when I write stories after Finals. My brain resorts to endless feedback loops. Ergo, I used the wrong whatsit of 'there'.

Quote:
...There bodies were modified over the extent of a couple years using a cocktail of enhancers, steroids, pills, and other lovely things.


For all who actually read this, it's supposed to be 'Their'. Damn.
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Shurmanator
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Joined: 14 Aug 2009
Posts: 51
Location: Not Where I Should Be

PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2010 2:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Catching your own mistake. Win point.

>>>>Full review enclosed.
The perspective of the story flowed very well. It stayed in first person, but you gave a good idea of what the other characters were thinking through description and such. Memoir style. I like it. Also, the ending was nailed perfectly with that little exchange between Cortana and Halsey, great job.
Some brief criticism... Cortana's speech at the end was a bit rushed and choppy, which through me off a bit. I'm guessing there was a couple of GPS errors, even though I didn't see any.
There are ALWAYS GPS errors. Unless you're Captain Raspberry. Razz

Overall, very clever idea, and well thought out.
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Harbringer352
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PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 3:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha, thanks. Thanks for reviewing.
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 3:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was very good, Harbringer. This is your first piece Iíve read, and Iím impressed with your style. It has great pacing, some nice description, and a deft integration of dialogue. You did a great job with the first person perspective as well, which can sometimes be tricky. Your readable style is definitely well suited to a piece of considerably greater length and complexity.

Which brings me to this storyís shortcomings. It treads very familiar ground and does not explore anything new. Also, while your characterization of Halsey was quite good and consistent with the canon, your portrayal of Cristoph was lacking. He was a bit of a caricature: too easily thrown off, too easily excited, too easily fooled.

As a showcase for your writing style, and as practice for greater things, this worked well. It does not stand very well on its own, however. I look forward to seeing what you come up with next.

- Arthur
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Harbringer352
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PostPosted: Tue May 04, 2010 11:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for reading this, Arthur. I appreciate your feedback. I've worked on my dialogue, descriptions (the excessive amounts of it), and storyline, but I've never checked out my OCs. Thank you for pointing this out!
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