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Stargazing

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 2:56 pm    Post subject: Stargazing Reply with quote

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Stargazing
Posted by LonesomeMonster (monsterinthedeep@gmail.com)
8 April 2010, 6:22 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=LonesomeMons0408101822291.html
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This piece isn't bad, but you need to keep a few formalities in mind when submitting to HBOFF.

First, make sure you break your lines, or indent each paragraph to make the appearance of the text look more professional and readable. Second, you need to do something about those parentheses. Either try to communicate those side notes through the actual narration by dedicating them a separate paragraph, or use a minus (-) inside the sentence instead of a bracket. Although it would sound weird if you chose the latter, so I'd simply suggest integrating the notes you want to make into the larger text.

The fic itself wasn't bad, as I said, but it's riddled with stereotypes we've all heard about in Halo fiction. The fact that you need to be careful around Spartans is all too evident starting with the first Halo through to Evolutions and Halo: Reach. Likewise, the conversation between Miranda and the Chief brings nothing to new to the Halo picture. We all know the Chief doesn't remember his parents, and we all know he admires Miranda's pop. In order to make the Chief more memorable here, you need to add a new characteristic to his likes and dislikes. Maybe Keyes's amateurism in fighting the Flood and his subsequent use as a host for a proto-Gravemind would trigger some fury in the Chief's mind?

The point is, you need to step out of the stereotype and come with a new perspective on well-known characters.

Keep writing. Wink
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Harbringer352
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Joined: 04 Jan 2010
Posts: 52

PostPosted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not much I can say here that Trooper didn't already. Without paragraph indents or even whole spaces, the plot seems abrupt. But you know, nice job anyhow. It had potential if you ever care to go back on it. Wink
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Congratulations, you won an honourable mention in this week's Fic Pick where I've written a more thorough review.

Good work!
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"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??"
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