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Fic Pick, EXTREME Edition, week of April 2, 2010

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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher

Joined: 19 Oct 2004
Posts: 1218
Location: Always here to help

PostPosted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 5:38 pm    Post subject: Fic Pick, EXTREME Edition, week of April 2, 2010 Reply with quote

This review was an attempt at being purely unbias, and looking at the stories, not the authors themselves. If you disagree with the opinion of this reviewer, then pm me. If you want to argue about the pick, then do it in private, and not in public.

But let's not waste time, shall we?

Halo Clairvoyance - Chapter 5 by Halochief89. This piece of fiction is a chapter of an ongoing story. However, that being said, I cannot truly grade this on plot caliber because I have not read the entire series as of number five. However, judging from it, a writer who writes on the internet should always make their piece understandable and leave enough clues for someone who hasn't read the series as of yet to pick up the chapter and have a very good semblance of what's going on. With this, I had trouble. Not only that, but I had a very hard time reading it because of the paragraph breaks. You had some, and then you had none, and although you said you had to transfer it from a different program, you could of resolved that issue from the submission page after you click on existing series and then continue.

It was a nice story regardless, though. Just remember to format and keep in mind what Harbinger said, and you'll do much better. I'll look for you next time you submit.

Titans of Warfare - Part 1 by spartan shot. You have a story that flows much better than your previous stuff, spartan, but I agree with parts of the reviews that have been put on your story; your main character, CPO Gabriel-091, honestly does seem like a bit of a Sue. You have the scars, the emotional attitude, and the one dimensionality of the characters. They really do just seem to be there for the character to interact with, and then set aside for your main character. I personally believe a story requires a full cast of characters that develop along with the main character. There was a lot of dialogue in this piece, and while that is never a bad thing, the dialogue didn't seem real enough. Say it out loud, see if it sounds normal.

Otherwise, I'll look for chapter 2, and I hope you take our advice seriously. I'd hate to see a potentially great writer just waste it away. Smile

Glass - Chapter 1 by Wolverfrog. Here, you have a nice story that is properly formatted, contains very little errors...but the dialogue that drives the story seems off in a odd way. Like, near the end, with the troop sergeant (What exactly is that?) and the Lieutenant's dialogue. For a platoon of soldiers on a planet that is overrun about it, the sergeant is awfully polite about it. Situational awareness goes hand in hand with situational dialogue, remember that. Otherwise, I want to read more.

Ch 1 Another Vacation - Saving Lizzie by Harbinger352. This story is short, but detailed. Quick in pace, but like that for the entire piece. It was easy to follow, the dialouge was believable, and the narrative of the actual piece a breath of fresh air. Not only are first person stories not as common on HBOFF, but rarely are they pulled off well enough for the reader to not notice any drops into 3rd, and I didn't even find any when I looked through them. Just remember, keep a constant eye on that. And in Naomi's little spiel about raising morale and gaining new recruits, you did it like "This, and then "this" ". It should be "This, and then 'this' ". Otherwise, this is great.

Now, for my rankings.

I do honestly think that Halochief89 and spartan shot tie for this, because both of their weaknesses and strengths are compatible. If you take my advice, guys, next time I hope to see the both of you compete for first place. You two both earned the title of "Badass of the 3rd Kind".

For second place, you have Wolverfrog's Glass, Chapter 1. Congrats, bud. Just remember about situational dialogue and situational awareness, and you'll be better for it. Keep up the good work, so it can become amazing work.

And the return of the Head Crusher and All Around Obliterator, I think Harbinger's piece was the best of the best today. Just keep in mind that little note, and remember; first person is very hard to pull off correctly, but so far, you're doing very well.

This review was attempted to be fair and balance, and the reviewer would like to remind the rest of the community that if anyone feels that this is not correct, they should pm the reviewer about it.

Now go out and read these pieces.

"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
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Joined: 19 Jun 2009
Posts: 11

PostPosted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome, considering less than five months ago I was getting "Worst fic of the week" awards. Congratulations to everyone else too.


And hey, the Lieutenant is a calm man. You'll see in later chapters that others aren't so much. Still, I'll try and make the dialogue a little more fitting, thanks for the advice.
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Joined: 04 Jan 2010
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 06, 2010 2:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As usual, awesome work on the fic pic! Those images are beyond cool. Epic.
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