HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Cleansing, Parts One and Two
Posted by Wiley Kimball (Kimballlf@aol.com)
13 December 2004, 11:33 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=wiley_kimbal.1213042333481.html

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Thu Dec 16, 2004 10:41 am Post subject:

This was the best ever that i have read today. Just amazing. Elites, Hunters, the Flood, the other notes that R placed so the one elite could find it.

Cortana? What happen? I dont get is why did she not block the system anymore? But anyways. This was just truly a great story. Told alot. Keep writing.

I will definatly read the next one to find out what happened. Plus my friends and I are writing a simiilar story. But it has Keyes, Johnson, and the Arbiter with them too. Over one hundred troops in my story. Well dont want to spoil it.

My friend probably wont let me post it. But i will try and ask when we get done with our story boards. Well, my story board. LOL KEEP WRITING!!!!
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I think you folks need to watch using the Arbiter and friends that were left at the end of Halo 2. Jillybean is doing a mightily fine job, and I don't think many people are gonna be able to top it any time soon. Besides, there are enough endings to Halo 2 to last a life-time (they won't have to of course; seeing as Halo 3 will come out in do course [I wonder what the "3" is gonna look like in Halo text]).

Spell out numbers.
I think that if someone was going to take back High Charity, and if they were smart at all (think about it; how big is the High Charity? Huge! And I don't think that many escaped. That means that there are a lot of bodies that would have been converted to the Flood. That is a lot of foes to concur) would get every soul they could find to help them.
I would avoid abbreviating things like "SpecOps". Spell that kind of stuff out: "Special Operations."
Explain stuff more, too. For instance, where had they gotten all these weapons? Especially the shotguns. It's not like they are just laying around.
Watch that Elite dialogue. They talk differently, and so you should use the in their speech. "GO! GO! GO!" just doesn't seem Elite-ish. "Move forth!" just seems more along the lines of what a leader would say.
Don't use words like "BOOM" when describing things. Actually use details. More like "The doors split apart in the large explosion, sending fragments spraying from the cloud of blue plasma" than "it went BOOM".
Normally, I would say "don't pull lines from good movies like LOTR" but, you used it well enough. Borderline, though. Watch where you use stuff like that.
About bodies lying everywhere, I would expect them to have been consumed pretty quickly, as many Flood as there would have been. That log passes, but only because you came across as it being only a little bit old.

It was a fair ending, but, I thought you could have made it sound a bit more ominous.

Overall, this was pretty darned good. I liked it. It'll be interesting to see where you take this, and how you have it pan out. But, take up the advice you are given and improve. Keep working.
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-MCC

Ascendant_Justice · Member Joined: 03 Dec 2004 Posts: 7

Wow i thought it was good. Yeah! GO elites! hmmm, just dont have any hunter die, that would be sad Sad

.

Phædrus · Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2004 5:28 pm Post subject:

I thought that this was very good. Wait a second. It wasn't good... It. Was. Awesome. Completely flawless. An excellent plot, good action, very nice detail...
The only part I would have changed is where the anti matter wouldn't open the doors but the hunters could. If you didn't know, anti matter (Let's just call it AM) will destroy regular matter (RM) on contact. Walls, doors, ships, air, whatever. nonw of it will stand up to AM. When AM touches RM they both dissapear in a sqhere of pure energy. Wow. I'm smarter than I thought I was... For my next feat I will prove that black is white and vice versa.

10 hours later:

"Let me just get my instruments ready, and then I'll - Wait! NO! CRAP!!

*Halo Fan...natic was killed by zebra*

Jillybean · Darth Diva Joined: 17 Dec 2004 Posts: 299

Hey - the more the merrier. Just because my fic's on one subject, I certainly don't want to stop anyone else writing it!

Yeah - spell out numbers,
Shotgunne". - I like this, the little things always help Very Happy

Reza's log was very reminiscent of Balin's in LotR, which could work - but somehow doesn't in this fic. Possibly because it's structured in the exact same way. I pinch ideas all the time and the key is to twist it just a little, so there's something unique about it.

Other than that, good story - but I did find my attention wandering a bit. More detail might help

Jilly

SYSTEM · Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2004 9:14 pm Post subject:

Heh! I love the way you begun Part two with a rhyme!

Hey JillyBean, haven't seen you up and about lately. Good to see you, good to see you. I liked "Parcel O' Rogues," you know.

Those Journal entries were great - as Jilly pointed out, they were somewhat reminiscent of the dusty old book they found in Balin's tomb room. I like that scene, and I liked the way you put it - Until now, I never knew the Flood could actually grow into a plant and extend roots all throughout somewhere.

I haven't played Halo Two yet - I quit video games, but I've heard snatches about an Arbiter, Keyes' daughter, and everything to the end of "First Strike."

My colleagues have said practically everything, but I'd like to finish with the words:

It's good to see you again, Wiley, and I enjoyed the story.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Nick Kang · Posted: Sun Dec 19, 2004 10:01 pm Post subject:

thedarkfire · Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 2:56 am Post subject:

What everyone else said. I hate when they get here first. A little longer would be nice. If not, make it all one part and put your little (well suited) poetry quote at the very beginning.

Nice to see you back in writing action. Smile

SYSTEM · Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 3:06 am Post subject:

Well, perhaps you could explain things to me a little - I'm kinda behind on the times - I've been waiting for the Halo Books to come out. I can digest a page in seconds, but a computer game? I quit Video games, mon. Whoops, did I say "Mon?" Sorry, I've done it again.

But, until the next Halo Books come out, I'm going to have to wait - and see.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

thedarkfire · Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 3:36 am Post subject:

O just play it Dave. If not for the fun, than for the story to guide you in your writing goodness. *eerie noise*

CoLd BlooDed · Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 7:53 am Post subject:

Very good, Wiley, I enjoyed the story thoroughly. My eyes never left the screen.

Listen to what the others said; oh, and try not to use "By the Gods/Rings/Forerunners" too often, it got sort of repetitive when being said by the Elites.

I liked the way you set up suspense withthe data entries, it may have been Lord of the Rings-ish, but I liked it; and there's no better way than learning what happened by computer! Smile

Keep it up, Wiley.

MasterSushi · Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:29 pm Post subject:

Hey Dave, here's one of my rarest things. A thought!
Why not, instead of playing the game, you buy the Strategy Guide instead. That way you can read about the guns and new creatures and crap; and you can read thorough all the missions as well! That way you get a grasp on the storyline and a lot of the details on the weapons and stuff.

I can't remember who it was said mentioned this, but they mentioned a Council of Regulars? Any news? It's a good idea.

MasterSushi · Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:33 pm Post subject:

(And when are the next Halo books coming out. Does anyone know? And who's writing them? And stop giving William Dietz so much stick. So what if his book wasn't as good. It's a lot harder to write a book with such strict guidelines, one where you have to kill virtually everyone off, and one where the readers know what happens.)

SYSTEM · Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:48 pm Post subject:

The strategy guide?

Geez, I never thought of that. But really, once you've seen one video game, you've seen them all. Trust me. Take away those 'all new weapons and vehicles,' and what have you got there? You're simply pushing buttons. Not really my idea of fun anymore - or a workout. Besides, I find much more amusement playing my guitar, and saving up for a new guitar amplifier, probably a Mesa Boogie.

But, until the books come out, I'll be happy to spend ten dollars on a book, rather than thirty-five dollars on a strategy guide with fewer pages and less thrill.

Good idea, Master Sushi, but I'd rather concentrate on the writing rather than the blood and violence and guns.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.