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Titans of Warefare- Part 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 2:21 pm    Post subject: Titans of Warefare- Part 1 Reply with quote

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Titans of Warefare- Part 1
Posted by spartan shot (farfrompuken191@cs.com)
29 March 2010, 11:07 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=spartan_shot0329102307511.html
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spartan shot
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 3:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK , after proof reading this dam entry SIX TIMES I spelt the title wrong. FML. It's Titans of Warfare. Since i know that half the people on this site don't read past the first mistake, I think I've screwed myself.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 4:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that is a little unfair, and when people see a comment like that, they definitely don't read past that. Insulting your audience is never a good way to get them to read it.

My review of it will be in this week's fic pick.
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spartan shot
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 5:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I meant no offense. But you can't lie it is kinda true. Hell, I wouldn't read an article if the writer made a mistake like that. But guess I owe an apology. Sorry.
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Wolverfrog
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, I'm going to say the Spartans sounded WAY too emotional. They're cold and calculating. They do joke amongst themselves sometimes, but they don't whine at each other like teenagers.

If you don't mind me saying, I thought it was a little boring as well. Dialogue and emotional scenes are all well and good, but they aren't when they drone on for a long time, especially when you're talking about the same subject for all that time.

I saw a few punctuation errors, but that doesn't really bother me too much.

Reading on, I noticed another problem. The Spartans sound too casual. They rarely, if ever converse with normal soldiers. I get the feeling that you've written an ODST or marine fan fiction in the past and their dialogue is being transferred to your Spartans -- that's not the way to go.

Indeed, one of the main reasons I rarely make Spartans my main protagonists is because they're quite 2 dimensional characters. Marines, ODSTs, naval officers, and even members of the Covenant are much more interesting.

The writing itself was rather good, and you did a decent job of conveying the scene. I had a solid enough imagine in my mind as I read.

All in all, this was a good piece, but not without faults in characterisation, dialogue, and plot elements.
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spartan shot
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good guess on that ODST, marine assumption
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spartan shot
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just wanna make 1 more point on these Spartans being too emotional. I wanted the protagonist to seem more human than Spartan standards. It will tell you why as the story unravels.
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Harbringer352
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Wolvers. The descriptions seem broken up; the last two paragraphs in particular.
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eb4642
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 11:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"A mouse? I'm more like a dam lion" Gabe thought.


I lol'd.

I must say, your plot flow is mildly better than before, and it is now, at least, vaguely comprehensible to a speaker of the English language. However, your punctuation and formatting are still shoddy, there are plenty of spelling errors and typos in there.

Here's a thought for next time: get someone else to proofread it. It could be someone from here, from any fan fiction forum on the 'net, a friend, your brother, next door's cat, the milkman, anyone. Given enough eyes, all problems are shallow.

Aside from stuff that Wolverfrog has pointed out already, I'll also point out that you appear to have a rather nasty case of ubermarine Sue syndrome here. You have a canon-busting Spartan with the personality of a particularly arrogant ODST sent on a special mission who ends up saving the day. With this, all your other characters become boring, one-dimensional foils for the Sue.

Also, you have an embedded author's note, which you must never ever do ever. References to your own or others' fanon are for people to spot, not for you to blithely point out whilst ruining the plot flow in the process.

Finally, this story is more than a tad generic, and most definitely highly derivative. Spartan is sent on suicide mission, completes it easily, saves day, comes back just fine.

So, in short, whilst this is an improvement, it is still... very far removed from the best we've seen. Next time, read it through properly before submitting and ask yourself if you're happy putting your name on it.
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spartan shot
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 02, 2010 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're givin me the feeling that you think the storys over. Its not. he hasnt saved the day.....yet.
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