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For Thee it Screams

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 29, 2010 2:43 pm    Post subject: For Thee it Screams Reply with quote

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For Thee it Screams
Posted by Kaiyo no Hime (hitokiri_hime@yahoo.com)
26 January 2010, 10:07 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Kaiyo_no_Him0126102207281.html
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Shurmanator
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Location: Not Where I Should Be

PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 8:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The best way to describe this story, in my opinion, would be 'well written, but periodically flawed.'
Short pre-death monologues from the perspective of a helljumper are nothing new, but the imagery and metaphors here were really well done. These small little descriptive passages made me really enjoy the story.
But then it was interrupted by such strange errors. Missed capitalizations here, run-on sentences there, missed punctuations... etc.

Quote:
Everything glower red


That was one of the worst typos. Its amazing what one letter can do... it totally changes the meaning of the sentence, and at such a crucial point in the story, it really distracts from the overall greatness of the piece. Honestly, when comparing silly mistakes like that to the great metahpors and descriptions in the story, it almost seems like two people with completely varying talents wrote this.
But its still very good... just needs work on the small grammatical details.
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Kaiyo No Hime
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, I am sorry I missed that. I'm afraid my typing has been a bit... lacking since I broke and sprained several fingers in an accident recently. My computer has stopped even trying to point out some of the more obvious mistakes, it seems.

The run on sentences, well, I had to stretch the story length wise to get it accepted onto this site. That is the reason for the parsing.
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Shurmanator
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Typing with a handicap? That's some dedication. Smile

Anyway, some of them are sentence structure mistakes rather than spelling, or tense errors, so computers usually don't pick up on those.
I really shouldn't be one to talk, considering I have never written a story without at least three typos, but I have a feeling that the shortness of your story made a few typos stand out more. Not that short stories are bad though, just that its easier to notice a few mistakes in them.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 12:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Schurm here, more or less. The idea's been done before, but you executed it well. There were enough GPS errors to be distracting, but this was still good. The bit about never lying to his mother was a very nice touch, too.
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