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Halo: Far Isle

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 2:45 pm    Post subject: Halo: Far Isle Reply with quote

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Halo: Far Isle
Posted by chimeraNATOR (chimeranator@hotmail.com)
19 January 2010, 5:36 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=chimeraNATOR0119101736061.html
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Fri Jan 22, 2010 11:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is pretty short and straightforward, but overall a solid piece. Your GPS is overall pretty good. The only thing there that sticks out is your use of numbers. Any number under ten you spell out, and you always spell a number out if it starts a sentence. Other than that, looked good.

The intro part with the marines was pretty well-done. The exact tactics are a bit iffy but not completely unreasonable. The only thing that struck me as odd was the marine using a garrote when he's got suppressed weapons. In that situation, kicking the door in and unloading into the bed would've been preferable. Speed is everything in special ops.

The actual nuking of Far Isle I think you could've done a bit better. There's very little buildup, then it's just nuked. Also, and I may be mistaken, but a single nuke doesn't seem like it'd be enough to destroy a colony. Especially not the nukes that UNSC warships are typically equipped with.

If you're so inclined, you could greatly expand this, with the first half an intro. Instead of the Code Bandersnatch immediately after, you could show the situation worsening, maybe even making this a longer series.

Whatever you choose to do, nice work. Very Happy
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chimeraNATOR
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Joined: 24 Oct 2009
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Location: UNSC Crusier Avengement Fury

PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 2:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the input. I agree that the ending was rather flat. I'll keep what you said about the tactics in mind Cool . This was meant to be a short story but after reading your comment I'm thinking a deeper story could be told. I'll probably remake it into a full story. Razz
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sun Jan 24, 2010 7:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's great to hear! The subject matter certainly has potential, and you're a talented enough writer. Glad to hear you're sticking around. And if you need a proofreader, feel free to PM me. Wink
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