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In the Garden - Part Two

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 3:00 pm    Post subject: In the Garden - Part Two Reply with quote

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In the Garden - Part Two
Posted by kabu (will36@gmail.com)
1 January 2010, 7:15 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kabu0101100715261.html
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 03, 2010 6:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Instead of doing bits and pieces like this, I will be posting the story in its entirety this week. It's a bit under 7500 words, which is pretty reasonable.
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Shurmanator
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 03, 2010 8:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great job, like the intensity and drama, but you keep it light and relatable with the sarcastic humor and satire. You have a very readable writing style kabu, I've never gotten bored reading your stuff.

And I agree with posting the whole thing at once, it definitely seems like you wrote this as a single story not meant to be divided into chapters.
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 12:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is good, kabu.

Love the change from all out comedy and it's still as well written as your other pieces.

I really enjoyed the perspective of the whole story and how you know what's going on in the immediate vicinity but lack the whole picture.

Very interesting and I'll be looking out for the final text wall of doom.

;D
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really good, kabu. Very interesting. I liked the brief glimpse of the future you gave us. It was filled with little hints, none of them good. It was also filled with the little details you are so deft at putting in. For instance, the Admiral's dented but polished sword went a long way to filling out his character without saying much.

Carpenter's transformation from human to AI was done in a suitably surreal way, such that the reader feels almost as disoriented and curious as Carpenter himself is. Telling an AI version of someone that they had just died is a pretty mind-bending thought, and I think you pulled that off very well.

However, I almost feel like this was a little rushed and sparse. We still don't really know anything about these characters. While this may be acceptable given how this is still early goings, I think it dampened the desired effect somewhat. For instance, Julia's sorrow and the reveal of the relationship between her and Marcus both fell quite flat, as we have no investment in the characters yet.

Anyway, this is still going strong, and I look forward to where you take this intriguing plot.

- Arthur
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