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Purity: A Halo Novel Pt. 4

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 3:00 pm    Post subject: Purity: A Halo Novel Pt. 4 Reply with quote

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Purity: A Halo Novel Pt. 4
Posted by Jason Rieger (j.rieger@bigpond.com)
31 December 2009, 12:12 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jason_Rieger1231091212171.html
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 12:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm. This is a tough one my fellow Australian.

Although you have lot's of action and good dialogue it suffers badly from... first person narrative.

"I did this, I did that and then I ate a bag of potato chips."

Some people might like it and even I can stand it in small doses but entire an entire series is just a stretch of my patience. I can see some good story telling but it's just too repetitive for me.

There's only so many ways you can go about saying "I did this then that", you know?

Other issues? You've broken it up in smaller text walls of doom but it's still taxing to read. Break it up more and don't forget to [indent] new paragraphs.

It's definitely an interesting story and I quite liked the market scene but again it was difficult to read because of the style of narrative and the lay out of the text.
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Harbringer352
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Joined: 04 Jan 2010
Posts: 52

PostPosted: Wed Jan 06, 2010 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm... wasn't sure what this was about, at first, but Cortana's line kinda caught me.

Quote:
"This is pretty, my love," Cortana teased. "Maybe we could return on our next holiday…"


I was thrown off for a bit, wondering who the sangheilios she was talking to, and Arbiter's next line clarified some things.

It took me a while to realize she was teasing. Pretty strong teasing.

Any way, caught my attention. I'm interested to see where this will go. I also like the sound effects.

Quote:
'Psst-yeow'
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