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Mission: Rio

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 3:00 pm    Post subject: Mission: Rio Reply with quote

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Mission: Rio
Posted by Polamee (harbingerofcalamity@gmail.com )
28 December 2009, 3:04 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Polamee1228091504551.html
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 10:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shameless Custom Edition Plug? It's a good mod so I'll let it slide...

I quite liked this story. An interesting start to a series, short enough to easily get into yet long enough to develop interest in the story to come.

I was quite impressed by the dialogue of 'Anomee and I had no trouble imagining a proud Elite Fleet Master voicing those words and the outburst of the Ultra Elite was well done.

However there were still some things that bothered me.

For starters the long sentences. If you're unsure whether to break them up or just add a break, read them aloud and see if you think they read well.

But that said don't go overboard with the commas. There was one sentence there where you had twice as many if not thrice as many the required number of commas.

I quite enjoyed this line though;

"This is not a place you would expect a Covenant Prophet to be in," muttered 'Anomee, repeating my above point.


Very interesting remark there, it seems out of place but I like it. For some reason it seems like something you'd see in a movie like Monty Python or the sorts where the narrator makes the comment and a few seconds later the actor repeats it as there own oblivious to the narrators frustration.

Overall great start to a series. I'm interested in how you'll write your combat scenes.
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