HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Project Myrmidon- Part 5
Posted by spartan shot (farfrompuken191@cs.com)
27 December 2009, 5:50 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=spartan_shot1227091750311.html

[fallschirmjager]

Alright time to fuck this puppy (Fan Fic Pick of the Week that is) and I'll start with this piece.

Well first the shift in the point of view from first to third person is interesting if not a little odd at first but I quite like it. So good work there.

The details are good and you give us some good descriptions and it's clear what is going on in your scenes.

But about half way through you just seem to start flying through the story and some things felt lacking in the details. Particularly why the Covenant had sacrificed a cruiser, I understand why they did it but I think you could have made the explanation a bit more interesting if not more plausible.

Same for the final segment. You could have gone into more detail on how the fleet was to defend itself when it fired it's archer missiles in support of the MAC rounds.

Even something as simple as Gibons firing the pods so that they would strike when the MAC rounds had defeated the enemy shields.

I know Ackerson isn't everyone's favourite individual but he seems downright... retarded... in his thought processes in your story. Give the bloke some credit, they don't just hand out Colonel wings.

One last thing I reckon it'd help if you bold your time stamps to make them stand out a bit more and distinguish between the change of locale.

Overall very easy to read and pretty interesting but buff it up a bit more.
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

Will you keep my secrets hope to die?

[spartan shot]

Thanks for the tips but don't expect Ackerson to be any smarter and don't expect the time to be bolded in the next segment. I already submitted it. If there is a way to take back and edit it, I don't know how to do it. Thanks for the supportive points and the criticism. It is appreciated. (Fuck this puppy LMFAO)