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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 205
Location: Nowhere in particular.
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 Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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That... that's not how Spartans work... no. And this screenplay format is a bitch on the eyes. Rewrite it as a story, or do some better formatting.
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Hobbit Hole
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| Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 6:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | Lt.M Burgueno:Ramirez where's the back up we called for!
Pvt.N Ramirez:Their coming sir in a few minutes.
Lt.M Burgueno:Kill all of them we can't let them capture this structure. Cortes take Avila to get more ammo.
Pvt.N Ramirez:Lieutenant behind you!
Pvt.R Cortes:Yes sir!
A tank blows up Cortes and Avila once moving out.
Corp.A Libby:Lieutenant Cortes and Avila is dead. |
Just... my god, what am I seeing?
This is one of the most poorly-executed attempts at a "screenplay" I've ever seen. The formatting is terrible, the GPS is terrible, there's a self-insert and potential Mary Sue in there (yes, I did spot that - no trying to sneak it under my nose) and the plot flow is virtually non-existent.
Let's just say this story is unlikely to win fans amongst those of us blessed with the gift of a brain.
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The Elitist Bastard | Writing is the business of professional turd-polishing.
"(don't take this review too seriously) If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??" |
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Harbringer352
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Joined: 04 Jan 2010
Posts: 52
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| Posted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 3:14 am Post subject: |
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Ouch. The text - the entry text - is broken and difficult to read. Grammar is like a flour bag with holes in it - you swear you've patched it up but you still find more.
Ouch, that was a bad simile.
Yeah, rewrite please. I'm sure this story has potential...just gotta let it happen.  |
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