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Ep 2 Oni secret

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 3:44 pm    Post subject: Ep 2 Oni secret Reply with quote

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Ep 2 Oni secret
Posted by Marvin (marvinburgueno@yahoo.com)
27 December 2009, 1:06 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Marvin1227090106391.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 5:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That... that's not how Spartans work... no. And this screenplay format is a bitch on the eyes. Rewrite it as a story, or do some better formatting.
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
Posts: 77
Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Lt.M Burgueno:Ramirez where's the back up we called for!

Pvt.N Ramirez:Their coming sir in a few minutes.

Lt.M Burgueno:Kill all of them we can't let them capture this structure. Cortes take Avila to get more ammo.

Pvt.N Ramirez:Lieutenant behind you!

Pvt.R Cortes:Yes sir!

A tank blows up Cortes and Avila once moving out.

Corp.A Libby:Lieutenant Cortes and Avila is dead.


Just... my god, what am I seeing?

This is one of the most poorly-executed attempts at a "screenplay" I've ever seen. The formatting is terrible, the GPS is terrible, there's a self-insert and potential Mary Sue in there (yes, I did spot that - no trying to sneak it under my nose) and the plot flow is virtually non-existent.

Let's just say this story is unlikely to win fans amongst those of us blessed with the gift of a brain.
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Harbringer352
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Joined: 04 Jan 2010
Posts: 52

PostPosted: Tue Jan 05, 2010 3:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ouch. The text - the entry text - is broken and difficult to read. Grammar is like a flour bag with holes in it - you swear you've patched it up but you still find more.

Ouch, that was a bad simile.

Yeah, rewrite please. I'm sure this story has potential...just gotta let it happen. Very Happy
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