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In the Garden - Part One

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 3:44 pm    Post subject: In the Garden - Part One Reply with quote

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In the Garden - Part One
Posted by kabu (will36@gmail.com)
25 December 2009, 2:28 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kabu1225090228401.html
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CaptainRaspberry
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 5:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An excellent start to a new series, kabu. You did well introducing a new story in a way that suggested it would be more dramatic than Bad Days, yet it still has your own brand of humor interwoven so we're not overwhelmed.

A few little GPS errors slipped through, most noticeably:

In the Garden wrote:
I tried not to think about my friend up their


But that's just one drop in a bucket of awesome. I'm eagerly looking forward to the next installment.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks! I always fuck up somewhere with the GPS -- if you could point out any others, that would be nice.

I've written this entire series out ahead of time, and it's pretty short, around 8000 words. So rather than post is as one huge chunk like that, I'm breaking it up into its natural progression. Also, this way I get better feedback on each chapter Smile
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've already made my views on this clear (I edited the damn thing, after all) but I'll say it again here.

This is an excellent start. True, there are GPS errors (part of which you can blame on me for letting them slip through Razz) but the pacing, the narrative, and the characterisation are excellent.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 11:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, and all the science in the first paragraph (up to the cryo part) is actually real -- the stuff with hypoxia vs anoxia, and the experiments with Hydrogen Sulfide. They've successfully killed and resuscitated animals after hours by killing them with H2S and keeping them cool.
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kabu
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 4:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Also, for reference: This.

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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 5:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kabu wrote:
Oh, and all the science in the first paragraph (up to the cryo part) is actually real -- the stuff with hypoxia vs anoxia, and the experiments with Hydrogen Sulfide. They've successfully killed and resuscitated animals after hours by killing them with H2S and keeping them cool.

god should be enough for these damn scientists fudging about with lord's creations

Anyways, excellent beginning. I tend to parrot myself when commenting on your stuff, so I'll just stop right there.
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Shurmanator
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 5:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If I wanted a lesson on cryogenics I would have gone to the local library goddamnit...

All library-prasing aside, this is pretty much the textbook way to start a psychological thriller. First person narration... in PRESENT time, that's important, I always liked that better than reminiscing or "looking back." I love the satire thrown in there, it makes the narrator seem more human and emotional, not just some lab-rat telling a story. Descriptive language, and if there were GPS errors as everyone's been saying, I really didn't see any. So that means that they don't interfere with the story, I guess.
This is a really intriguing series, and I love where its going. Looking foward to reading the rest, great job with this.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 01, 2010 4:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry it took me a bit to get back to you on this, but it's not like my comments are that much different from the status quo. Razz

Excellent work, as usual, and as an opener, this hooks you. It's an interesting subject area, one Bungie's left pretty vague, and you handle it intelligently. You've clearly done your research well. The first-person narrative works exceptionally well for the type of story, almost like a scientist's logs or something similar. And the one GPS error pointed out, I didn't even notice.

My only (minor) complaint is timeline placement, as it seems a bit early to have smart AI so soon. But that's a personal preference, and you very well might have info pointing towards this date that I'm forgetting.

Anyways, great work, kabu!
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 01, 2010 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll be really original here, go out on a limb and say this was good. I think you set up the premise really well - quickly, cleanly, and efficiently. Making the mind that works a friend of the protagonist was a really smart move. It gives what could be a very dry and sciency opening segment a human touch that worked very well. I'm definitely intrigued.

However, given the snappy dialogue and fun pacing of your last series, I thought the writing fell a little flat here. I can only attribute this to the fact that prologues must be exposition heavy, and the effect is usually dampened by the weight of the information. Even still, I feel like the composition seemed a bit ill-conceived. For instance, you chose an unusually garden variety style for introducing your characters. You had three consecutive paragraphs where you basically said "Julia is this and this. David is this and this. Marcus is this and this." Given the cleverness of the narrative in "Bad Days," I was a little disappointed by how conventional this piece seemed.

Anyway, I really like the plot and look forward to where you take it. I assume once you get the exposition out of the way that you'll get on a role.

Good job.

- Arthur
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kabu
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 01, 2010 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hm. You're right about the exposition, though I don't really see any way around that for what is essentially the prologue. I do want to refine this story though -- how would you suggest I introduce the characters? I agree that what I have now is a bit too... conventional.

And don't worry -- it goes bat-fuck insane after this. Smile
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