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What Once was Ours, chapter 5

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2009 5:07 pm    Post subject: What Once was Ours, chapter 5 Reply with quote

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What Once was Ours, chapter 5
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
18 December 2009, 12:48 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer1218090048071.html
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eb4642
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Joined: 09 May 2009
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Location: The Dark Tower of NW10

PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 2:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting stuff, Jake, and it's nice to see the return of your core cast.

However, there are bits of this that seem rather clunky. The opening, in particular, is somewhat weak considering your previous efforts. It also comes across as slightly fragmented, since each scene is so short: this is just a minor gripe, though.

That said, I still like this piece for two reasons:

  • The suicide device is obviously lifted from Ariel - in fact, the part of the episode you described as your favourite. Firefly references sure do abound in this, don't they? Razz
  • The pacing, characterisation and internal politics are, as always, excellent.


As I said, despite the issues, I'm looking forward to the next instalment. Well done. Very Happy
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 27, 2009 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How the hell did I miss this being posted? Sorry for being so late.

Anyway, one thing I always love about your chapters is the gripping plot advancement. You keep things moving in new and weird directions. I especially like the phonecall bit at the end.

Tone down the relationship drama just a tiny bit, though.

Other than that, fantastic job. And you can be forgiven for the Firefly reference. Razz
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