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Green Eyes

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 1:31 pm    Post subject: Green Eyes Reply with quote

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Green Eyes
Posted by Kiddo
11 December 2009, 4:30 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Kiddo1211090430341.html
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Shurmanator
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Joined: 14 Aug 2009
Posts: 51
Location: Not Where I Should Be

PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow... that was one of the most self- contrasting stories I've ever seen. And I'm not entirely sure that's a bad thing.

It clearly is a beautiful piece of prose; your descriptions flow and blend seamlessly with the plot-line, if bringing up more than a few run-on sentences. But they didn't distract from the overall plot, so it wasn't a big deal.
Now, the plot itself was fairly original, and told in a thoughtful way. In the beginning, I was impressed with the spacing and pace; your reveal of the protagonist's environment through the professor's speech was well done. And the descriptions of the ONI agents was spot-on.

The problem with this story, in my opinion, is the end. You have a well-paced, deep story being set up, filled with dramatic metaphors and such, and it just ENDS. It's not a particularly unbelievable ending, just its such a short, choppy one. It doesn't fit with the rest of the mood of the story at all; it's fast, its not descriptive, and its rushed.
In the end, however, you created a well written story, for the most part. I would have liked to see a series out of this, because it had potential. But keep at it, good job.
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