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What Once was Ours, chapter 4

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 1:31 pm    Post subject: What Once was Ours, chapter 4 Reply with quote
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What Once was Ours, chapter 4
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
11 December 2009, 1:28 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer1211090128591.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Quote:
Arkeyvich wheeled on his XO. "Have gunnery intensify the forward batteries, I don't want anything getting through!"


TOO LATE

-Longsword crashes into the bridge, kills Arkeyvich- Very Happy

You still suffer from characteritis, but otherwise, that's your only real big problem I see here in this fic.

Good job, Jake.
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2009 7:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
I know I mentioned it before, but I think your Chief is far too wordy. I enjoy Hocus and Shilds, though, and I'm looking forward to your rebellious soldiers. Good work.
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