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Letter of a Corpsman: The First One

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 1:31 pm    Post subject: Letter of a Corpsman: The First One Reply with quote

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Letter of a Corpsman: The First One
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (anthony.peter.davis@gmail.com)
10 December 2009, 8:31 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga1210092031471.html
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Shurmanator
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Powerful stuff, Gallagher, if a bit choppy.
To me it seemed like half the time the letter was written by a well educated individual with the ability to describe events with shocking accuracy, and the other half of the time it was like a mere listing of events without any detail.

I love the whole "radio show" concept though, that's some originality right there. And the story seems well-based.
I think with a little cleaning up of the writing itself this is going to turn into a great series. Good job
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 12:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Shurm! Very Happy

I didn't intend it to constrast so much, but I'm trying to show the development of her writing skills from the other letters I posted compared to this, her very first letter from the frontlines to her husband. Still, no excuse; definitely should of gone over it with a fine comb.
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry, it wasn't a huge deal. The concept was solid, so it more than made up for it.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 4:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know, Shurm, I didn't really get too much of a choppy feel from this. I thought it was pretty consistent. Michelle is confiding her fears in a man she trusts and loves. To that end, I think everything here fit quite well. You simultaneously paint an image of unending despair and touching affection in a very short space.

I agree, the radio aspect was pretty cool and original, and fits with the letter-style presentation very well. I feel like you could do more with it, though, and I hope you do in future iterations.

My only complaint would be the improper use of words at certain points, which definitely interrupted the flow:

Quote:
It's not only depressing and sad, but anger fulfilling as well.


Quote:
I don't want the memories of you and I in Kansas farm fields being overroded by my sad descriptions of war and horror out on the edges of Human space.


The latter was especially unfortunate, since the sentiment is touching.

Anyway, good job, just be sure to keep it tighter.

- Arthur
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 19, 2009 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you, Arthur! Yeah, I'm actually starting to proofread my story for mistakes and major story problems, so I'm glad it was much tighter than the previous ones, if lacking any sort of major emotional problem that she conflicts with in her life.

I'm going to try to keep the radio aspect with interviews and stuff, but that's not really the point of the story, you know? It's just a way to express the letters a little differently than just the letter. I'm glad you like it, though.

And ugh, I should of noticed those. Especially that last one. Sad

And I will, Arthur! And thank you for the review!
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