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Halo: Origins of Fate Chapter 1 A1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 1:49 pm    Post subject: Halo: Origins of Fate Chapter 1 A1 Reply with quote

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Halo: Origins of Fate Chapter 1 A1
Posted by Ren_or_Robotlouisstevenson (renthedragon@yahoo.com)
3 December 2009, 10:15 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Ren_or_Robot1203092215441.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 6:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
You do not have to read this if you don't want to. Do not whine for me trying to mix two damn good Genres together.


Then that tells me you really only want to hear supportive criticism and not constructive. But I'm going to drop some for you.

I think the story is okay. Your best thing out of this so far is your timestamps. I'm probably going to follow the same format as you.

Otherwise, break up your paragraphs. If you take a look, it looks like a wall of text at points. It was hard for me to read. Really hard. No one will want to read it if it looks like a wall. Next time you submit, if you do, make sure to keep your paragraphs broken up.[/quote]
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 8:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
You do not have to read this if you don't want to. Do not whine for me trying to mix two damn good Genres together.

Some would argue that point, but I'm just gonna let you know that as soon as I read "furries", I closed the tab. I'm willing to bet a few others did the same.
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Ren_or_Robotlouisstenson
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 8:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No no, I'll accept constructive criticism
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Ren_or_Robotlouisstenson
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jake Trommer wrote:
Quote:
You do not have to read this if you don't want to. Do not whine for me trying to mix two damn good Genres together.

Some would argue that point, but I'm just gonna let you know that as soon as I read "furries", I closed the tab. I'm willing to bet a few others did the same.


Like I said, You don't have to read it
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eb4642
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 12:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ren_or_Robotlouisstenson wrote:
Like I said, You don't have to read it


And there's nothing to suggest he did - he certainly didn't review the story itself, simply pointed out that it's unlikely to win fans here.

Also, this:

Quote:
Do not whine for me trying to mix two damn good Genres together.


That is, I should warn you, an incredibly subjective (and Somewhat Unconventionally capitalised) description of the furry genre.

Now for the story itself - it could certainly be worse, but not much. It suffers profusely from:

  • wall of text syndrome
  • seemingly random capitalisation
  • incredibly poor and repetitive sentence construction
  • atrocious grammar and spelling with sentences leaking into each other
  • no formatting to speak of
  • lazy changes of tense where it flips from the past to the present tense
  • lots of apostrophe molestation
  • and a Mary Sue character (this can be spotted from a mile off: lines like "Max was recommended into the 105th by a SPARTAN, having demonstrated skills that you wouldn't find in many new marines" are red flags and warning sirens)


Overall, although I commend you for trying something new, its execution leaves a lot to be desired. Your best bet would be to scrap what you've already written and rewrite it - and this time, acquire the services of an editor/beta reader.
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Ren_or_Robotlouisstenson
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 1:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

eb4642 wrote:
Ren_or_Robotlouisstenson wrote:
Like I said, You don't have to read it


And there's nothing to suggest he did - he certainly didn't review the story itself, simply pointed out that it's unlikely to win fans here.

Also, this:

Quote:
Do not whine for me trying to mix two damn good Genres together.


That is, I should warn you, an incredibly subjective (and Somewhat Unconventionally capitalised) description of the furry genre.

Now for the story itself - it could certainly be worse, but not much. It suffers profusely from:

  • wall of text syndrome
  • seemingly random capitalisation
  • incredibly poor and repetitive sentence construction
  • atrocious grammar and spelling with sentences leaking into each other
  • no formatting to speak of
  • lazy changes of tense where it flips from the past to the present tense
  • lots of apostrophe molestation
  • and a Mary Sue character (this can be spotted from a mile off: lines like "Max was recommended into the 105th by a SPARTAN, having demonstrated skills that you wouldn't find in many new marines" are red flags and warning sirens)


Overall, although I commend you for trying something new, its execution leaves a lot to be desired. Your best bet would be to scrap what you've already written and rewrite it - and this time, acquire the services of an editor/beta reader.


Makes me wish they had an edit button for your posted stories here.
I'll definitely take it and edit it though, to be honest, Most of my grammar skills have been used for roleplaying, I should take time to Really work on it.

And it really does not surprise me that many people here don't think much of the furry genre, We're frowned upon by many communities. Just wish that others could see that We're NOT all about smut.
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