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John and Sera

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 3:25 pm    Post subject: John and Sera Reply with quote

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John and Sera
Posted by Spartan 148 Sera (LettersFromTheySky_148@hotmail.com)
19 November 2009, 6:11 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Spartan_148_1119090611471.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
Posts: 204
Location: Nowhere in particular.

PostPosted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 3:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well then. This is certainly... unique.

First off, you seem to have quite an addiction to Uppercase Letters. Just use them for names and at the beginning of sentences, unless Garden Swing is just somebody whose parents had an unfortunate sense of humor.

You really like metaphor and simile, as do I, but some of yours don't quite work. Why did her hand drop like a hot rock? Do you mean he dropped her hand?

As for the plot... well, I'm not going to judge you (though you did mangle canon so far as to be unrecognizable in any way, and self-insert fics are to be avoided at all cost), but the abrupt introduction of a vengeful murderer at the end comes right out of nowhere, not in a good way.

A warning: You are definitely going to catch a lot of flak for this one.
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Harbringer352
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Joined: 04 Jan 2010
Posts: 52

PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2010 6:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Umm, interesting story. It just came from nowhere. May I suggest a little more...background information? And I'm sure every author has heard this - the Master Chief is a little verbose and emotional.

But he is REALLY hard to write, dialogue-wise.

Quote:
The Afternoon sky was beautiful; the candy clouds floated gracefully on the cool blue sky.


'Candy clouds'? Do you mean cotton candy clouds?

Ending was sad. I'm curious to know how this ends. IF it ends.
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