HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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John and Sera
Posted by Spartan 148 Sera (LettersFromTheySky_148@hotmail.com)
19 November 2009, 6:11 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Spartan_148_1119090611471.html

[kabu]

Well then. This is certainly... unique.

First off, you seem to have quite an addiction to Uppercase Letters. Just use them for names and at the beginning of sentences, unless Garden Swing is just somebody whose parents had an unfortunate sense of humor.

You really like metaphor and simile, as do I, but some of yours don't quite work. Why did her hand drop like a hot rock? Do you mean he dropped her hand?

As for the plot... well, I'm not going to judge you (though you did mangle canon so far as to be unrecognizable in any way, and self-insert fics are to be avoided at all cost), but the abrupt introduction of a vengeful murderer at the end comes right out of nowhere, not in a good way.

A warning: You are definitely going to catch a lot of flak for this one.
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[Harbringer352]

Umm, interesting story. It just came from nowhere. May I suggest a little more...background information? And I'm sure every author has heard this - the Master Chief is a little verbose and emotional.

But he is REALLY hard to write, dialogue-wise.