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The Renegade: Prologue/Chapter One

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 1:10 pm    Post subject: The Renegade: Prologue/Chapter One Reply with quote

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The Renegade: Prologue/Chapter One
Posted by QuantumSheep (quantumsheep@optusnet.com.au)
13 November 2009, 7:00 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=QuantumSheep1113090700421.html
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 4:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have a few problems with this. It's up to the great quality I was expecting, even if your narration tends to run on a bit. But...

Writing alien perspective is extremely difficult, and I'm not sure you pulled it off here. Elites don't have one-night stands, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be raised by a single mom, and I highly doubt they give birthday presesnts. These aren't humans in a different skin, it's a species that evolved independently from Homo sapiens for billions of years. It would take more than a few decades of trade to change that. And inter-species prostitution is right out.

But still, you are a great writer. I'd just like to see chapter 2 tightened up a bit.
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